In 2022, it is widely and thoroughly understood that the decision to quit smoking is a healthy one. The CDC’s lists of benefits that people enjoy upon quitting include boosted life expectancy; lowered risk of numerous health conditions, including cardiovascular disease and cancer; and even generally enhanced quality of life. Taking these benefits into account, it’s clear why quitting is so often framed as something of a “no-brainer” decision.
Here we are in the midst of holidays and nearing the end of 2021. I thought it would be helpful to talk about how to manage your stress during this time of year knowing that more families are getting together, more people are traveling, and well, the holidays can be stressful!
One strategy I have been talking most about in my practice over the past few months-gearing up for the holidays-has been self-compassion. When you practice self-compassion, you are being skillful and engaging in self-care.
Self-compassion is being warm and kind to yourself during a time of difficulty, failure, or feeling inadequate, rather than beating yourself up, listening to negative thoughts, or ignoring your feelings.
If you struggle with finding ways to manage your holiday stress and are quick to go down the negative thinking rabbit hole, try practicing self-compassion. It’s free, you can start today, and you only need to donate a few minutes each day (more of course if you can) to feel the results.
Here are some ways you can practice self-compassion:
Be gentle with yourself and catch those negative thoughts before they take over.
Instead of saying “I am an idiot, why did I do that,” try instead “I learn by doing, and I made a mistake. What can I learn from this experience?”
Think about what you would tell your best friend if they were in the same situation and then say that to yourself on repeat. If you are feeling stressed out because you can’t afford the big gift your loved one (such as a partner, parent, child, or friend) has been asking for, and are beating yourself up for it, would you tell your best friend “Well, suck it up buttercup. You are just going to have to buy the gift because they want it and you don’t want to disappoint them,” or would you say something more realistic and kind?
For example, I might tell my best friend, “I know you’d love to get them the big gift but financially it sounds too difficult right now. You are such a wonderful (partner, daughter/son, or parent) to want to get them the gift. Perhaps have them choose between two other gifts they want that are within your price range. Holidays are more than just the gifts we get.”
Set personal limits with family and friends.
You can’t be all things to all people.
You can set limits by creating boundary statements that help you say what it is you need.
“I would love to host this year but there is too much going on and I can’t make it happen. Someone else needs to host this year.”
“I would love to get dinner with you, but this week is hectic. I have more free time (next week/after the holidays/on Fridays) so let’s pick a time around then.”
Do something kind for yourself each day.
Go for a short walk, eat your favorite breakfast, or wear an outfit that makes you feel good.
Being kind and self-compassionate does not cost money but it does require time. Small amounts of time each day to focus on being kind to yourself while you navigate hard emotional obstacles will help you get through challenges with more ease.
Moving through heartache, grieving a loss, or dealing with hard emotions such as stress, anger, and disappointment are all a part of life. When we go through and feel these emotions, it seems as if these feelings will last forever and that we will never recover. And then, over time these feelings are less intense and subside. We learn to adapt and we recover.
That is the meaning of resilience.
If you are going through or have recently been through a challenging time, here are three key strategies to help you move forward and build your resilience along the way.
An Opportunity for Growth
With every problem, there is an opportunity for growth. Seeing the challenge as an opportunity rather than an ending allows you to see the failure, mistakes, or loss as a time of personal growth. Moving through the heartache, pain, or difficulty can help you see it as a time for you to find out more about who you are and how capable you are will naturally build resilience.
A Change in Mindset
Reframe your outlook to help you adopt and maintain perspective. When faced with emotional pain or frustration, this can feel like you are going to be in it forever. That thought alone can increase the severity of emotions someone is feeling, and make it worse. Reframing that perspective by challenging the thought will help you feel better, think more realistically, and build resilience. An example of a reframe would be, "I know it feels like this will be forever, and I know logically it's not. I have been through hard things before and came out OK. I know I will get through this too."
If you don’t know how to reframe a thought, think about what you would tell your best friend if they were in the same situation. Would you tell them "I hate to tell you but now is forever" or would you say something more realistic and kind? I bet on the latter. Whatever you'd say to your best friend, now say the same to yourself-- even if you have to say it on repeat until it starts to stick!
A Self-Care Routine
Create and engage in self-care. Taking care of yourself is important for refueling your wellbeing tank, and when going through a difficult time, making time for you will help you tolerate all the emotions you are feeling--and be able to get through the experience with more ease. Examples of self-care are getting a manicure, going for a walk, saying “no” when needed and setting limits, carving out alone time, texting or calling a friend, having a snack, reading for fun, or taking or an extra 10 minutes in the shower. It can be anything that helps you feel better.
Remember, you are stronger than you think! You’ve got this! As always, sending good energy your way
Whatever it is, the way you tell your story online can make all the difference.
Have you been feeling especially stressed or anxious lately? Do you find yourself struggling with mental and physical exhaustion and wish you could figure out a way to refuel your well-being tank?
If so, you might want to consider looking at how you are doing when it comes to setting limits and enforcing your personal boundaries.
Having personal boundaries means that you are aware of the rules and limits you have set for yourself in relationships, and are therefore able to comfortably say “no” to others when those limits have been reached.
I know many of us struggle with burnout, and one reason why running on fumes happens so often—particularly for women—is because we feel a need to say “yes” to everyone and have a hard time setting limits and boundaries.
For example, Jane had noticed at work that her coworkers would come to her regularly to ask for help, and there was a part of her that very much enjoyed helping people so she was glad she could be there for her colleagues.
She noticed that people at work were beginning to email her more, asking her to do more tasks, and she would do them because she was efficient and felt glad that people could rely on her. As time ticked on, she began to feel more stressed out and irritable at work, at times feeling anxious due to all the work she had to do, and could not understand why she was having such a difficult time.
It wasn’t until we started talking about her lack of personal boundaries that she realized saying “yes” to everyone was the main culprit.
Jane began to start delegating work back to her coworkers, scheduling in personal time (like taking a lunch break), and saying “no” to people. She realized that the company didn’t go bankrupt, her coworkers still liked her, and she felt happier at work—all because she developed her personal boundaries, knew her limits, and stuck to them.
Whatever it is, the way you tell your story online can make all the difference.
Saying yes to everyone might mean that in the short term, you are the hero; but long term, you are falling on your own sword. This is why protecting your time is so important and creating limits and personal boundaries is so necessary.
How do you know if you need help with your personal boundaries? Ask yourself these questions:
Do you have a hard time feeling like you are letting people down?
Do you struggle with making decisions?
Do you often feel taken advantage of by loved ones or colleagues?
Do you say “yes” when you would really prefer to say “no”?
Do you feel guilty when you take time for yourself?
Do you give away too much of your time?
If you answered yes to any of these questions, I encourage you to try the following.
Step one: Figure out where you need help creating boundaries. At work? In your personal life? Both?
Once you are aware of the problem area, you can begin to take action.
Step two: Create boundary statements. Having these on hand will help you feel more comfortable saying “no.” When you know what you are going to say and can hear yourself saying it, these statements become much easier to remember and use at the moment.
Some examples of boundary statements are:
“I am going to think about it before giving you an answer”
“No, but thank you”
“I can’t talk right now”
“I am not ready yet”
“I hear your point, and my answer remains the same”
“I am not able to do that”
“I am not able to do that right now, but I can ___”
Step three: Schedule in breaks or personal time. Taking a lunch break, shutting off notifications after 5 pm, or going for a walk in the middle of the day are all great ways of remembering to pay attention to yourself and setting personal boundaries.
Work isn’t going anywhere, and the more you take care of yourself, set limits, and say “no” when you need to, the more your stress levels will naturally decrease.
Take care of yourselves, and remember that, as always, I am sending good energy your way.
Now that it’s been a year, have you felt like you’ve hit your pandemic wall? Are you feeling more tired and stressed than usual, and burnt out at work? Has your overall well-being been impacted?
If you’re struggling to find the right self-care strategies to help you move through your day feeling energized, you’re not alone.
Well-being is a state of feeling happy, healthy, and comfortable. When you feel this mindset decline, you are more likely to have high levels of stress, and become more vulnerable to other challenging emotions such as irritability and sadness. This is why you want to look at what you need in your life to enhance your mood and overall well-being. What do you need to add to your life to get closer to a healthier, more positive state of mind this spring?
If you are feeling a lack of energy from your daily video calls, the lack of physical movement due to working from home, or you notice your inner critic showing up more often, now is the time to refocus and practice strategies to improve your mood and increase your wellbeing. When you take action, your stress levels will decrease, your negative thoughts will stop, and your mind and body will thank you.
If you are struggling, here are three simple strategies you can practice now to start feeling better.
Move your body, engage in exercise, and get some fresh air.
Being stuck inside for most of your waking hours can impact your mood negatively. So walk around your backyard, or take a short walk around the block. If you don’t have time to get outside, open a window and stretch, or walk around your home office. Research shows that moving our bodies positively affects our moods, so give it a try.
Practice appreciation every day.
When you focus your attention on what you appreciate or feel grateful for, it can shift your mood to a positive mindset. You can appreciate anything you want such as your morning cup of coffee, rolling out of bed and being in your home office five minutes later, your favorite cozy sweater, your best friend, and her amazing laugh. It can be anything!
If you make a conscious effort to say and write down three things each day that you appreciate, you will notice a decrease in negative thoughts and an overall boost to your mood.
Make yourself a priority daily.
At the beginning of every day, ask yourself how you want to take care of yourself. Each day can bring a different answer based on what you need, which means you may have to use a different skill. Asking yourself this question also means that you make yourself a priority every day!
If you found any of these tips helpful, hit reply to this email. We love to hear from you. And if you are interested in learning more general stress and anxiety management strategies, you can join the ProgressWellness.com community here.
‘Present not perfect’ are words that have been on my mind lately. It’s how perfection or wanting something to be perfect keeps us from being present.
Last month, I was thinking about skills I wanted to add back to my life, and one that came up was running. I used to run several days a week for years. When I would run, I would focus on my breathing, my body, the road ahead, and my music. This was my time--my time where I would be present in the moment. I called it my meditation.
However, after a small injury, I stopped running and never got back into the same groove I had. And over time, I stopped running altogether. I would periodically think of it over the years, and go out for a run here and there, but never made an attempt to include it back into my daily routine but I knew I missed it.
This left me wondering why I was resisting running. If I knew it brought me joy, why was I procrastinating going for a run?
And here is what I was saying to myself:
“What if I am so slow that it looks like I am just walking fast?”
“What if I don’t like running anymore?”
“What if I don’t run that far?”
“What if it’s not a perfect run?”
“What if someone in their car sees me run and says ‘wow, look at that slow woman try to run’?”
These were my thoughts! I am laughing now as I write them (especially that last one). But honestly, the doubt and worry that it wasn’t going to be a “perfect” run made me feel anxious and kept me from doing something I wanted to do again.
After seeing my thoughts staring back at me, I realized how distorted they were and I started to challenge them. I probably will be slow. It is definitely not going to be a “perfect run”, and if I ran 50 feet or a mile, no one would care. And if someone did say “look at that slowpoke trying to run” why would that matter? I wasn’t going on a run for anyone else other than for me.
Looking at my thoughts, challenging them, and getting back to why I wanted to run in the first place, helped soften my perfectionist tendencies and put the kibosh on those negative thoughts.
Reframing my negative thoughts and getting back to the “why” helped me get my running shoes on, and myself out the door. I will say that those thoughts fluttered through my mind as I took my first few steps, but they didn’t stop me and before I knew it, I was fully present running and enjoying every second.
This month, I have been on three runs, and I have felt happy with each one. I am slow, I have had some side cramps, and I’ve had to periodically walk, nothing close to whatever perfect might be, but I am so proud of myself for trying. I decided to make Friday’s my outside adventure time where I donate 20 minutes to walk, run, and be present.
I’m sharing this with you because if you want things to be perfect or you fear that they won’t be, this frame of mind can rob you of experiences, enjoyment, adventures, and being present. When you focus on perfection, you lose the meaning of why you want to do something. I wasn’t running for perfection or to become an elite athlete. I was running because it made me happy. When I returned to that, I could see how perfectionism showed me a very distorted and unhelpful view.
If you get stuck in self-doubt or have perfectionistic thinking, start by writing down your thoughts in a journal. When you see what you’re saying to yourself, it can be a bit easier to see where the distortion is and challenge it.
Next, ask yourself why you want to do that one thing perfectionism or self-doubt is keeping you from. Why is it important to you? When you focus on why you want something, it shifts your attention to more positive thoughts and helps you get back into the present moment.
I can imagine many of you are waiting eagerly to ditch 2020 to the curb and welcome 2021, hoping for less drama and way more stability. If you are, I’m with you: Yes, please!
But before we say goodbye to a year that was loaded with difficulties, I think it’s important to do a bit of reflection.
Reflection is a very helpful skill because it allows you to see where you were, how far you’ve come, and where you’re looking to go next. It creates a moment to pause and acknowledge your emotional growth.
Here are some questions you can ask yourself to help jump-start your reflection:
What skills have you learned this year?
What helped you manage the stressors you faced?
What were the stressful moments you predicted, and which moments caught you off guard?
How did you get through those moments?
What skills were helpful for you?
What did you learn about yourself?
Knowing what you know now, would you do anything differently?
Taking some time to reflect on these questions allows you to see all the work you’ve done. When we are flying by the seat of our pants and just trying to get by, we don’t usually think of pulling over and acknowledging how strong, resilient, and courageous we are. Reflecting can help notice your successes as well as help you grow from your mistakes. We all learn by doing, so knowing where you thrived and where you could have done better can only build your confidence for next time.
When I’m faced with challenges, I tend to think about something my dad used to say to me when I was in college and my emotions were flying high. He’d say “Angie, with every problem there is an opportunity for growth.” I found this very calming: Knowing that, even if stuff was hitting the fan, I’d at least learn something about myself and emotionally grow from it helped keep me grounded. Now I know why. It’s because being able to reflect creates opportunities to acknowledge growth.
2020 certainly laid the challenges on thick, and maybe you think you’d rather not revisit all that. But before the New Year, I encourage you to reflect and write down your successes and what coping strategies helped you.
Having this data will give you a moment to celebrate and also help you move through future challenges with more ease. You’ll know what strategies helped you, and you’ll have the knowledge that, even when faced with challenges, you had successes.
And as my holiday gift to you, I’ve put all my stress management products on sale until December 31! Just use the code Holiday2020 at checkout to receive 20% off your order. Here’s to the last month of 2020!
As always, I am sending good energy your way.
Don’t miss the recent Redfin article I was featured in: “Experts Reveal How to Create a More Productive Home Office Setup this Winter”
As many of us continue to work from home this winter, you may be looking for creative ways to stay productive during the colder months. Before, we were able to take advantage of the warmer weather, go on a quick walk outside, and had plenty of sunlight pouring into our home office setup. But as the sun begins to set earlier and the cold temperatures are here to stay, staying motivated may become more of a challenge. The good news is, there are plenty of ways to combat the winter gloom and boost your productivity as you work from home.
Redfin reached out to me, along with other top productivity experts, for our advice to help make your home office setup a more productive work environment. So whether you’re living in snowy Detroit or rainy Seattle, these expert tips are guaranteed to help make your home office a place of inspiration and motivation. Check out what we had to say. My commentary is towards the bottom of the article.
Experts Reveal How to Create a More Productive Home Office Setup this Winter
We’re heading into another season, and it’s one that people either love—for all the pumpkin everything, leaf-peeping, and fun layered clothing options—or feel a sense of dread because of the cold weather and decrease in daylight which can really impact mood.
However, no matter what camp you fall into, whether you struggle with fall or you tend prance through the leaves and snow feeling happy, I encourage you to think about coping skills that might help you manage through what might be a particularly challenging change of seasons for everyone.
That’s because this fall may be very different from what we’re used to. It may be harder to visit loved ones outside, cold-weather activities (both indoor and outdoor) may be harder to do, and another stay-at-home order could happen unexpectedly in many communities.
When you can see a potential challenge like this coming down the pike, one of the best strategies to employ is coping ahead. Coping ahead is a strategy that will leave you feeling more in control of your emotions and better able to get through any challenges you might face. That’s because you will be going in prepared.
Once you have your toolbox of skills, incorporate them into your schedule now so your mood is more protected later on. If you do start to feel depressed or anxious, those habits will help cushion you, possibly preventing an extreme mood swing.
Here are some strategies you can practice for coping ahead over the next month.
Wake up at the same time every day. Consider having something fun to look forward to that helps with that process—a cup of coffee, your favorite breakfast, a hot shower, a call with a friend or family member. Keeping your sleep schedule consistent and having a routine in the morning will help your mood.
At the beginning of each day, ask yourself how you want to take care of you. Each day can bring a different answer based on what you need, which means you may have to use a different skill (which will help you keep them fresh). And asking yourself this question means that you are making yourself a priority!
Stay connected to your people. Those could be friends, family, loved ones, or your therapist. Plan a FaceTime call, online games with friends, or socially distant walks if that’s an option. Even if you feel like you don’t have the time, make the effort to stay connected. Depression and anxiety want you to isolate. And if you listen to them, those emotions will take over. If you truly don’t have the energy to leave your house or really don’t feel like talking, think about texting someone or FaceTiming over a movie. This will help you keep that bridge of communication open and help fight off any negative emotions without draining you.
Think about anything you can do that will create structure (outside of work) in your day-to-day and also holds your interest. Some ideas are taking an online class, joining a virtual book club, getting involved in a local association, or starting a recipe book. Think about what would help you create fun structure during your day, and then give it a try. Many of these activities may still be virtual, but seeing others (even over video) and having something to look forward to outside of the daily grind can have a positive impact on mood, especially as it’s getting darker out and we have to remain physically distant from each other.
If you like any of the skills above, write them down! Having a visual representation of your coping ahead toolbox will make it that much easier to access and remember to use. Put that list on your fridge, your desk, or even on your phone or laptop.
Remember: We are all in this together, and I am right there with you.
Recently, several people have shared with me that they feel they aren’t getting the same enjoyment out of things as they used to. Every day feels the same; even talking to friends has felt boring because nothing new is happening.
The pandemic-fueled isolation that once felt like strong anxiety and stress is now growing into a sense of sadness and depression.
Sadness and depression can make us feel weighed down (emotionally and physically).
We might feel like we have to move mountains to do basic chores, doing things we typically enjoyed may no longer give us the same satisfaction, and sleep and appetite can suffer too.
I wanted to share one skill I often recommend to those feeling stuck in challenging emotions. It’s a method that can be done in small steps with the goal of getting you to a better-feeling place.
It’s called Opposite Action.
Opposite action means that you engage in doing the exact opposite of what your mood is telling you to do.
If depression is telling you: “Stay inside! It’s too much effort to go out for a walk or see anyone safely” or sadness is telling you: “Why shower? You aren’t going out anyway, so who cares?” and you listen to them, the more sad and depressed you will feel overall.
It often feels easiest to listen to these thoughts, and we convince ourselves that we’re just avoiding stress and anxiety. But the more you listen to that sad and depressed voice, the more that negative mood grows.
So how do you begin practicing the opposite action skill?
Opposite action is about doing small things that help move you in the opposite direction from your negative mood. So first, you can make a list of all the things you could do instead of taking the action (or inaction) that voice is suggesting. And then try to do at least one of those things on the list.
For example, if you know getting outside might help your mood, think about each step you need to take to get out the door. Your list might include: Get up. Put on socks, shoes, and a jacket. Get a mask, keys, and wallet. And finally: Open the door and step outside. When you see this action in steps, it can become less overwhelming. One small (and very conquerable) step leads to another.
Instead of feeling depressed and isolated, you can feel a little less depressed and be outside around others. Though it may not change your mood immediately, continually taking these opposite actions will help you feel less depressed over time.
Opposite action allows you to take care of what you really need instead of listening to that negative mood. When you tend to yourself while still feeling sad, you start gaining control over how you feel. And, ultimately, you will start to feel better. One step at a time.
I hope you find this helpful!
As always, I am sending good energy your way.
Here we are with summer in full swing, a time that used to be about vacations and enjoying a nice, quiet pause. But right now, those options are not really available, and many of us are struggling with that. That’s partly because built-in summer breaks are usually a good opportunity to declutter our minds from stress.
Without a much-needed break, you might be feeling more stressed and notice your mind more cluttered with worry and to-do lists. And you’re right, that’s probably at least partly because you don’t have that weekend getaway, a planned staycation, or kids going to camp on the schedule.
So how do you quiet your mind and refocus when the schedule you thought you’d have changed, or when the break you anticipated gets kicked further down the road, leaving you feeling stranded? We have to find other ways to declutter our minds.
Here are three skills you can try today to work on getting some brain space back!
Declutter your physical space. Start by checking your work or living space. If your physical environment is cluttered, it can lead to mental clutter. When we start to feel overwhelmed or distracted, when our minds are stuffed to the brim, our physical space can start to represent how we are feeling.
The inside of our car might look like a teenager’s room, or our workspace might be overcrowded with paper and leftover coffee mugs. When our minds are cluttered, we often feel like we don’t have much bandwidth to take care of our environment. But taking care of that environment can often help us take care of our minds.
This isn’t to say you need to have a spotless house or office to make this strategy work for you. Try cleaning up or organizing your workspace or that one room in your house that’s your “mindful zone” or “Zen space.” See how that makes you feel.
Practice journaling. This skill can take as little as two minutes, and it can make a huge difference. Think of your journal as a place where you just fill pages with your thoughts, worries, and mental lists. When we carry our thoughts with us in our minds alone, it rarely helps us process or organize what we are thinking about or decide how to prioritize what’s most important.
Everything just ends up being a jumbled mess internally, creating more stress and more clutter in our thoughts and emotions. Writing things down not only creates space in our brains, but it also allows us to tangibly see what we are thinking and gives us an opportunity to organize, prioritize, and problem-solve.
Take one thing at a time. When we’re overwhelmed, sometimes we quickly jump from task to task in an effort to get everything done at once, but then we end up feeling like we’ve gotten nowhere with anything. I often think about a conveyor belt for this strategy. There might be many things on the conveyor belt, but you can only pick up one thing at a time.
Multitasking can be helpful at times, but when you are trying to declutter your mind, taking on many tasks at once only adds to the clutter. Write down (journal!) what’s on your conveyor belt, organize and prioritize, and tackle one thing at a time. You will notice your mind feeling more free!
I hope you find these strategies helpful.
I know many of you may feel overwhelmed right now, and that’s understandable. There is a lot happening in our country and our world, and 2020 continues to challenge us. But with every challenge, there is an opportunity for growth.
As we all continue to grapple with managing a pandemic, many are also opening their eyes to racial disparities in our society, moving to a new understanding of others’ lived experiences and hoping for the changes championed by the Black Lives Matter movement.
I have been hearing from a lot from people who say they want to be an active participant in changing our world but feel overwhelmed by feelings of anger, sadness, anxiety, and stress. While some people have jumped into fighting for causes actively by protesting or have started reading, listening, or finding other ways to move forward, it is also natural to not know what to do—especially when it feels like there is so much to do.
So if you’re feeling stuck, here is one skill I often recommend that can help decrease feelings of stress and funnel your sadness, anger, and anxiety into a positive outcome.
Contributing is the art of giving to others in the form of time, talent, or treasure. When we give, it awakens a sense of meaning and purpose in our lives.
Contributing does not have to be a grand gesture. Of course, you can donate your time or money to a cause or charity you believe in. But contributing is also about making personal connections with others. When we do that, not only do we positively affect someone else, our own mood improves as well.
Giving to others can also create a sense of hopefulness and belonging within ourselves. These are all good things!
If you’re looking for ideas of how you can contribute in ways big or small, here are some examples:
Call or FaceTime someone just to say hello. Hearing a friendly voice can go a long way for someone (and for you)!
Check on a friend or neighbor.
Help someone with a grocery run or other chore (mow their lawn, water their plants, etc.).
Buy items from local businesses that need support.
Say hello to others who walk past you on the street to show solidarity.
Read articles and books on topics that are important to you to help you become a better ally.
Sign a petition to make your voice heard.
Donate time to a charity or cause you believe in.
Donate money to a charity or cause you believe in.
Go to a protest if you feel comfortable doing so.
This list showcases a wide range of options for contributing—and of course, there are many I am leaving out. But if you are feeling at a loss for what to do or where to start, making contributions is a great skill that can help shift your mindset and find your way forward. It may seem simple, but it goes a long way—both for you and for others.
Photo was taken during one of my mindful walks with my daughter!
As days blur into months, many of us feel like we are living in a time warp. The good news is April has arrived, and that means it is staying lighter out longer, which will hopefully help many people feel better even if we are stuck inside. Light can help improve mood. So open your shades and windows to let that light in, if you can, especially if you can’t go for a walk or step outside.
Over the past month, I have had several clients ask what a stress expert like me was doing to cope through this challenging and stressful time. Good question!
Below are the top three skills that I am using every day. For me, these skills are connected to my life as a parent. But they can really help anyone, no matter your situation. I hope they will give you a jumping-off point for how to create your own set of skills. Just like letting in the light, small tweaks and additions in our lives can help improve the moment and decrease overall stress!
All together, these three skills take 65 minutes of my day. Each skill provides a different level of enjoyment. Combined, these 65 minutes are what helps me manage my stress and cope through all the current uncertainty throughout the rest of each day. And one of the best things about these skills is that you can take as little or as much time as you want with each of them.
My Best Three Skills Right Now
Waking up 30 minutes early to lounge in bed.
This is a luxury I have not had in my life for almost two years, and I will definitely be keeping this skill. Pre-parent life, lounging in bed was my thing on weekend mornings. If it were a sport, I would have been a great competitor.
But after becoming a mom, that stopped overnight. Adding this back into my routine has been restorative. Instead of sleeping in, I wake up 30 minutes earlier so I can read the news, check personal email, and goof around on my phone—all while nice and cozy under the covers. And since my husband is already up and out of bed, I also make a point of spreading out— I call it starfishing! It’s a wonderful 30 minutes.
Appreciating my morning cup of coffee, especially the smell and the first few sips.
I take in the scent as it brews and sneak the first few sips in before I go upstairs to get my daughter ready for her day. Of course, I have had coffee in my life for many years. But for a while, I had been getting my morning cup at a local coffee shop before I headed to the office and drinking it at work. I had forgotten how nice it is to smell freshly brewed coffee in the morning. See? It really can be about the little things!
Taking mindfulness walks.
I never took them before the pandemic. When I would walk to work, I was always on the phone or listening to a podcast. Yes, this was still “me time,” but rarely did I feel in the present moment. And when I would go on weekend adventures with my daughter, we’d go to places she could run around and explore, so I was focused on making sure she didn’t get hurt.
Now we walk together, and I keep my phone away. We walk and talk; point at colors, birds, trees, and fun window boxes; and say hello to the dogs (from six feet away, of course!).
These types of walks are a new skill I did not have before. Now I get to look around and practice appreciation, and I really get to enjoy seeing my daughter have fun up close. I come back from these walks feeling lighter, more grounded, and ready to start my day. When the day comes where I can head back to the office, I know I will very much miss these walks—and realizing that helps me appreciate time in general. This is time I get with her that I did not have before, and we all know how quickly time often seems to go! Who knew one skill could give so much?
You never know what skills and strategies are going to work for you and stick around long-term, so I recommend trying lots of things out at least a few times. Even if your initial thought is “that’s not for me,” give it a go!
I did not think about adding an extra 30 minutes to my morning until I saw my husband do it. I love my sleep, so I was honestly skeptical this would work for me. But I decided to try it, and now I look forward to that time and cherish it.
I hope you can find some help with these skills. I’d be curious to know how they go for you.
Who knew when I decided to create a spring series focusing on stress management that there would be a pandemic and all of our stress levels would shoot through the roof? Not me.
2020 is giving us a run for our money, and now it’s more important than ever to learn how to manage our stress so it doesn’t permanently move into our lives.
What I’ve been hearing about most from people over the past two weeks is the stress of managing uncertainty.
There is an understanding that most things in our lives are uncertain, but moving through our general fast-paced days pre-pandemic, we could forget that fact. But now uncertainty is screaming at us. And with this much uncertainty, stress is never very far behind.
When will this be over?
When can I go back to work?
What if I get sick or someone I know gets sick?
Will this happen again?
When can I see my friends?
These are all good questions, and not having the answers right now gives stress a good chance of taking over our lives. So how do you manage stress when feeling bogged down by uncertainty?
Here’s one tried and true strategy I live by (I’ve been using it for the past two weeks) and want to share with you:
Break tasks into slivers, not chunks.
Breaking any task that causes stress into smaller pieces causes a big picture idea—which can feel overwhelming—to get slivered out into several small and more manageable bits, creating steps toward the bigger goal. This strategy allows us to see a way through to the end. That’s why it’s one of my favorites. Seeing slivers gives a starting point. Chunks can create panic.
For example, looking at our current situation as a chunk can get overwhelming very quickly. Then the questions I listed above have room to grow in our minds. We don’t know the answers, and that alone can cause stress. So I suggest slivering this situation out to make the unknown less daunting.
An example of a sliver would be “I got through yesterday and today is going OK so far.” That is honestly as far as any of us can go with being certain about anything, and saying a statement like that to ourselves can help us get into the present, to focus on what we are doing in the moment instead of looking into the uncertain future.
Another way to sliver what we’re all going through would be to create something you look forward to each day or adding something concrete and certain to your schedule. This could be a work-related task, a call with friends, or household chores that you haven’t had time for until recently.
Creating some structure or focusing on something that will make you feel good or you know you have to do (you might dislike laundry, but clean sheets can feel nice!) helps break down the unknown into some certainty: “I know what’s coming today; I’m going to do laundry.”
Staying mindful and focused on slivers reduces stress and helps us take it one step at a time, one day at a time. That’s why I always say: Slivers, not chunks.
I encourage you to practice breaking your day into slivers. See if that helps improve your focus and decrease any stress you are feeling through this uncertainty.
If you are interested in learning more about managing your stress, I also encourage you to check out my online store, where I offer tons of skills to manage all types of stress.
Welcome to the Progress Wellness newsletter spring series! Last summer I got great feedback on a series of newsletters and blog posts that focused on mindfulness strategies. So, I decided to start spring a little early with this new series on stress management. Over the next several months, I will be focusing on different types of stress and specific skills to manage it all. Hooray!
I felt this was an important topic to explore because when stress starts working against us, we become unproductive and unhappy. This is why having effective coping skills to manage stress is imperative to our well-being.
Stress is something most of us have felt at some point in our lives. But how can we define it? Well, stress is an emotional strain—usually caused by life events—that can negatively affect how we think and perceive situations, impacting our internal well-being.
Here are just a few examples:
You’re experiencing a lack of sleep, or you’re having difficulty falling or staying asleep.
You’re experiencing ruminative thinking, which means you’re having a hard time shutting off your mind from your worried thoughts. It almost feels as if those worried thoughts are like a running stream in your mind, a stream that never rests.
Your mind is engaging in negative self-dialogue, meaning your inner thoughts are beating you up. Phrases like “I can’t do this,” “I am going to look like an idiot,” or “I have no idea what to do” are common refrains.
Do these symptoms resonate with you?
If you’re experiencing stress, here is one strategy I often recommend trying as a first line of defense:
Make a list of all the things you would like to do or get back to doing—aka self-care! This could be making sure you’re still saying your favorite mantra periodically throughout the day; getting back into your favorite hobbies; learning something, like a new language or recipe; taking quick breaks at work; scheduling time to see friends; or even creating alone time. Or why not more than one!?
Once you have your list, ask yourself which thing you first want to incorporate into your life. How can you choose?
I recommend that you start with an item that is relatively easy to incorporate into your schedule. Then, once that’s part of your routine, consider adding in another. Think about adding these things into your schedule like you would a meeting in your calendar. This strategy can increase the likelihood of the routine sticking—and at the very least it can give you a visual reminder that you want to improve self-care!
Even small positive shifts in self-care can have dramatic effects in reducing stress levels.
If you’re interested in becoming an expert in managing your stress and kicking it to the curb once and for all, check out my online stress management course, covering in-depth strategies to combat every type of stress. The course includes printable worksheets and access to a private Facebook group, where I host a weekly livestream and answer questions for course members.
As always, I am sending good energy your way!
The holidays are fast approaching, and that can bring both excitement and stress rolled up into one tangled ball. That’s why I wanted to focus this month’s newsletter on strategies that help target holiday stress! I know we’re all extra short on time during this season, so let’s get to it.
Stress Busters for the Holiday Season
The bathroom! This is an underused strategy, in my opinion. The bathroom is a room that offers so many options. After just a few minutes in this porcelain haven, you could leave feeling more grounded and mindful.
A trip to the bathroom offers periodic pauses, opportunities to breathe and take a needed brain break. The skills I have listed for this strategy only take a few minutes—just long enough for you regroup without making others think you disappeared.
*Run warm or cold water on your wrists. This can be very soothing and calming. Or splash cold water on your face!
*Sit on the edge of the tub (if there is one) and describe the room to yourself. What do you see? Are there tiles? Is there a pattern? What colors do you see? Can you hear anything? A vent perhaps? Dripping water?
Say your answers aloud. You can say it all in a whisper if you prefer, but it’s better to do it verbally as it helps increase focus on the skill.
*Play a quick game on your phone. Word puzzles can be a fun break from whatever else is running through your mind.
*Watch a two-minute YouTube video of something funny or lighthearted.
*Do push-ups against the wall.
*Practice deep-breathing exercises, either while sitting or standing. You can try breathing in through your belly to the count of four and exhaling to the count of eight. Or find a different breathing technique that works for you. If counting isn’t your thing, that’s OK! There are so many out there, I know you can find one that you like.
*Text friends to check-in and take yourself out of your current situation.
Who knew you could be so skillful in a bathroom! Going out to a restaurant for a holiday dinner instead of going to someone’s home or hosting? No problem! Most of these skills can be used or tweaked to work in public restrooms.
Appreciation is another skill that can be particularly helpful during the holidays. Practicing appreciation increases awareness that you have things to be grateful for, which can help reduce challenging emotions such as anger, anxiety, sadness, and stress.
Even the smallest thing we can come up with creates a positive shift in our brains. Feeling appreciation causes us to pay attention to what we do enjoy, have, and love, and leaves less room for any negative thoughts.
Give it a try! What are five things you appreciate at this very moment? It can be anything. Here are mine: I am grateful that I have eyes that can see, for my morning coffee in my Britney Spears mug, for the work I am doing, for my daughter and family, and for having the heat on this cold November day.
The idea is to practice both skills now, that way they will be on the front burner of your brain when you need them. There are a few days left before Thanksgiving. What skills will you be practicing to help prep for the day?
As always, I am sending good energy your way!
It’s October and fall is in the air. While some people look forward to this season—the clothes, the Charlie Brown specials, and pumpkin spice everything—others really struggle.
Many people will naturally start to make fewer plans and hunker inside at home as the months get colder and darker, and that can make some people feel lonely. And if you live in New England, these months can linger until April!
Because this change in seasons has the potential to wreak havoc on our moods, I wanted to share one of my favorite coping skills that can help during this time of year.
Coping ahead can be a tremendously helpful skill, and it’s one that often gets overlooked. Coping ahead is like getting your armor on before going into battle: If you know that the darker months are more challenging on your mood (which is the battle), why would you go forward without any prep work (armor)?
That’s where coping ahead comes in! If you know you are going into something challenging, think about what skills you might need to have or develop to cope through it. Having a game plan sets us up for success better than winging it.
So let’s talk through a good first step in that game plan, which I hope will help you start coping ahead for the fall and beyond: planning out some structure.
Those who know me know that I’m big on this! Having at least an outline of structure can give you options for how to get through a challenging time. What might you consider structure? Here are some ideas!
Make a list of friends you might want to see, and then make some plans. Coffee dates during the work day; snacks before heading home after work; or weekend gatherings at a friend’s house, a café, or your place (if you don’t mind hosting). Think about how much social time you’d like to have this fall, and start making those tentative plans now.
Another way to create structure ahead of time is to start making a list of fun movies or books to enjoy. You can also choose some cafés or libraries you’d like to go to, places where you can be around others while you have a treat, do some journaling, or listen to a podcast.
Being around others even when we are alone can help improve our mood. And mapping out a tentative schedule can provide a sense of comfort and provide a more positive perspective before and during these fall and winter months.
PS If you are interested in learning more about the skills and strategies in this newsletter, among others, please check out my online course
As the summer comes to a close, some of us might be excited to move onto the next season, but some of us might be feeling sad or stressed about the upcoming transition. Changes in seasons can bring about lots of emotions for many different reasons. This is why I wanted to focus on mindfulness for the third and final lesson of the Progress Wellness summer series!
Mindfulness is a wonderful skill to practice because when we are feeling worried, stressed, or anxious (like some of us are when seasons change), being present can be difficult. But it can also be very helpful in those very same moments.
So what is mindfulness?
Mindfulness is the art of being in the present moment. It’s being aware of where we are and what we are doing, while observing our own thoughts, feelings, and physical sensations, all without reacting to them.
Yet mindfulness can sometimes feel like an abstract idea that’s impossible to attain. But just like any skill set, the more we practice, the better we become. Mindfulness can help reduce anxiety, stress, and depression—and there’s research to back that up! The more we practice mindfulness, the better we feel, and the more present we are.
There are many different ways to practice mindfulness. Often people think practicing mindfulness means they need to meditate, sit still, or close their eyes for a period of time. While some do enjoy practicing mindfulness in that way, there are plenty of other ways we can engage in mindfulness too. And the good news is that we can do most of these things for however long we want, whenever we want—even right now!
Below are some surprising ways people practice mindfulness:
Exercise (running, walking, lifting weights, yoga, etc.)
Cooking
Working on a puzzle
Gardening
Naming five things you can see, hear, and touch
Deep breathing exercises
Listening to a guided meditation (in person or digitally)
As you can see, mindfulness comes in many different packages. The idea is to find something that allows you to participate in the moment. For those who enjoy using cooking as a mindfulness strategy, they are fully engaged at that moment, focusing on the smells, tastes, and textures of the dish they are preparing. Or deep breathing exercises help people focus on their breath—each moment they take a deep breath in or out, their mind is present and focused on their body.
During your mindfulness practice, you might notice that your mind wanders off and you begin thinking about something else, maybe about your worries or anxieties. When that happens, just notice it and bring your attention back to the moment. It’s all a natural part of practicing the art of mindfulness.
If you would like to learn more about mindfulness, check out my YouTube channel! I cover this topic in more depth and also demonstrate a quick 30-second mindfulness strategy.
It’s a simple fact: Our thoughts affect our mood. And it’s easy to understand why.
Take this moment to notice your mood. How are you feeling? Now, take a moment and observe your thoughts. What are you thinking?
If you are feeling happy, your thoughts are most likely in the happy category. If you are feeling anxious or stressed, then your thoughts are most likely causing you to have anxious or stressed thoughts.
Thoughts affect our mood. When we think better thoughts, we feel better. Sounds easy, right? Well, it might take a few sentences to explain, but it’s actually hard work.
Thinking our way to feeling better means we make a conscious decision to essentially change how we think about ourselves and the situations we are in. The deeper the negative roots are, the harder it can be to rip them out for good—but it can be done.
Here’s how to start.
Step 1: Track your mood and thoughts each day and write them down. Keep a journal or use your phone. The important thing is to collect your data.
How are you feeling and what are you telling yourself based on that emotion you are experiencing? Start making the connections.
Example: You’ve tracked your mood and observed your thoughts for a few days, and you notice that your dominant emotion is anxiety. Your thoughts are filled with “what if” thoughts:
“What if I can’t get this done on time and my boss fires me?”
“What if this actually does not work out the way I had hoped?”
“What if I make a mistake? I’m going to look stupid.”
“What if I don’t know how to do what’s asked of me, and people realize that I’m not as good as everyone thinks I am?”
I could go on and on with examples of anxious thoughts, but you get the idea. Anxiety creates doubt. If doubt gets in the room, it snowballs and attempts to take up our entire house.
Now that you have data on your emotions and the thoughts connected to those emotions, you can move on to the next step.
Step 2: As you track your thoughts and emotions about yourself or a situation, I want you to ask yourself:
“What would I tell my best friend if they were saying this to themselves? Would I say the exact same thing about them? Or would I offer a different perspective and probably be more kind?”
We are our own worst critics, so most often we wouldn’t dream of saying what we say to ourselves about ourselves to someone else. My guess is you would probably be more realistic and kind to your friend.
Example: Let’s say you think:
“What if I make a mistake? I’m going to look stupid.”
Now, in response, ask yourself this: “If my friend came to me saying that, would I tell that friend, ‘Yes, I hate to tell you this, but if you make a mistake that means you are stupid.’?” Seems pretty harsh and untrue. What might you say instead?
Maybe you’d tell them how making mistakes is how we learn. Or you could remind them that people make mistakes all the time and that in no way do those mistakes define who they are. Or you’d remind them that they’ve been in positions where they did not know something before, and they figured it out. This time is no different. You’d tell them: “You got this!”
Now that you have data and evidence that there is more than the first perspective, you are forced to see alternative ways of looking at your own anxious situation. Now give yourself the same responses you would give your friend. It might not feel as true as it does saying it to someone else, but you have to admit your first viewpoint is not the only answer.
Notice how different these two interpretations of the same situation can be. Notice how you feel taking the first approach compared to the second.
When we are able to create different perspectives, we give ourselves an opportunity to see different outcomes, to challenge assumptions, and to be more realistic and kind to ourselves. We are reality testing instead of allowing our negative mood to dictate what we think and believe.
That’s healthier and more productive. When we think better, we feel better. That’s a fact!
I encourage you to take this month to keep track of your moods and your thoughts, and to challenge any harsh thoughts with “What would I tell my best friend right now?” And then try to listen to those answers.
Think of your brain as a radio. Any time you hear the negative station playing in your mind, make an active choice to change the channel and listen to the better-feeling, more realistic one. It will be an effort for sure. But the more you change the channel, the easier it gets. And over time that new station will become your go-to channel!
Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) is a type of psychotherapy that teaches effective strategies to combat negative thought patterns by focusing on reframing negative thoughts into positive thoughts.
