Present, not perfect

‘Present not perfect’ are words that have been on my mind lately. It’s how perfection or wanting something to be perfect keeps us from being present. 

Last month, I was thinking about skills I wanted to add back to my life, and one that came up was running. I used to run several days a week for years. When I would run, I would focus on my breathing, my body, the road ahead, and my music. This was my time--my time where I would be present in the moment. I called it my meditation. 

However, after a small injury, I stopped running and never got back into the same groove I had. And over time, I stopped running altogether. I would periodically think of it over the years, and go out for a run here and there, but never made an attempt to include it back into my daily routine but I knew I missed it. 

This left me wondering why I was resisting running. If I knew it brought me joy, why was I procrastinating going for a run? 

And here is what I was saying to myself:

• “What if I am so slow that it looks like I am just walking fast?”

• “What if I don’t like running anymore?”

• “What if I don’t run that far?”

• “What if it’s not a perfect run?”

• “What if someone in their car sees me run and says ‘wow, look at that slow woman try to run’?”

These were my thoughts! I am laughing now as I write them (especially that last one). But honestly, the doubt and worry that it wasn’t going to be a “perfect” run made me feel anxious and kept me from doing something I wanted to do again. 

After seeing my thoughts staring back at me, I realized how distorted they were and I started to challenge them. I probably will be slow. It is definitely not going to be a “perfect run”, and if I ran 50 feet or a mile, no one would care. And if someone did say “look at that slowpoke trying to run” why would that matter? I wasn’t going on a run for anyone else other than for me. 

Looking at my thoughts, challenging them, and getting back to why I wanted to run in the first place, helped soften my perfectionist tendencies and put the kibosh on those negative thoughts. 

Reframing my negative thoughts and getting back to the “why” helped me get my running shoes on, and myself out the door. I will say that those thoughts fluttered through my mind as I took my first few steps, but they didn’t stop me and before I knew it, I was fully present running and enjoying every second. 

This month, I have been on three runs, and I have felt happy with each one. I am slow, I have had some side cramps, and I’ve had to periodically walk, nothing close to whatever perfect might be, but I am so proud of myself for trying. I decided to make Friday’s my outside adventure time where I donate 20 minutes to walk, run, and be present. 

I’m sharing this with you because if you want things to be perfect or you fear that they won’t be, this frame of mind can rob you of experiences, enjoyment, adventures, and being present. When you focus on perfection, you lose the meaning of why you want to do something. I wasn’t running for perfection or to become an elite athlete. I was running because it made me happy. When I returned to that, I could see how perfectionism showed me a very distorted and unhelpful view. 

If you get stuck in self-doubt or have perfectionistic thinking, start by writing down your thoughts in a journal. When you see what you’re saying to yourself, it can be a bit easier to see where the distortion is and challenge it. 

Next, ask yourself why you want to do that one thing perfectionism or self-doubt is keeping you from. Why is it important to you? When you focus on why you want something, it shifts your attention to more positive thoughts and helps you get back into the present moment. 

Small Things Can Improve the Moment

Photo was taken during one of my mindful walks with my daughter!

As days blur into months, many of us feel like we are living in a time warp. The good news is April has arrived, and that means it is staying lighter out longer, which will hopefully help many people feel better even if we are stuck inside. Light can help improve mood. So open your shades and windows to let that light in, if you can, especially if you can’t go for a walk or step outside. 

Over the past month, I have had several clients ask what a stress expert like me was doing to cope through this challenging and stressful time. Good question!

Below are the top three skills that I am using every day. For me, these skills are connected to my life as a parent. But they can really help anyone, no matter your situation. I hope they will give you a jumping-off point for how to create your own set of skills. Just like letting in the light, small tweaks and additions in our lives can help improve the moment and decrease overall stress!

All together, these three skills take 65 minutes of my day. Each skill provides a different level of enjoyment. Combined, these 65 minutes are what helps me manage my stress and cope through all the current uncertainty throughout the rest of each day. And one of the best things about these skills is that you can take as little or as much time as you want with each of them. 

My Best Three Skills Right Now

Waking up 30 minutes early to lounge in bed.

This is a luxury I have not had in my life for almost two years, and I will definitely be keeping this skill. Pre-parent life, lounging in bed was my thing on weekend mornings. If it were a sport, I would have been a great competitor.

But after becoming a mom, that stopped overnight. Adding this back into my routine has been restorative. Instead of sleeping in, I wake up 30 minutes earlier so I can read the news, check personal email, and goof around on my phone—all while nice and cozy under the covers. And since my husband is already up and out of bed, I also make a point of spreading out— I call it starfishing! It’s a wonderful 30 minutes.

Appreciating my morning cup of coffee, especially the smell and the first few sips.

I take in the scent as it brews and sneak the first few sips in before I go upstairs to get my daughter ready for her day. Of course, I have had coffee in my life for many years. But for a while, I had been getting my morning cup at a local coffee shop before I headed to the office and drinking it at work. I had forgotten how nice it is to smell freshly brewed coffee in the morning. See? It really can be about the little things! 

Taking mindfulness walks.

I never took them before the pandemic. When I would walk to work, I was always on the phone or listening to a podcast. Yes, this was still “me time,” but rarely did I feel in the present moment. And when I would go on weekend adventures with my daughter, we’d go to places she could run around and explore, so I was focused on making sure she didn’t get hurt.

Now we walk together, and I keep my phone away. We walk and talk; point at colors, birds, trees, and fun window boxes; and say hello to the dogs (from six feet away, of course!).

These types of walks are a new skill I did not have before. Now I get to look around and practice appreciation, and I really get to enjoy seeing my daughter have fun up close. I come back from these walks feeling lighter, more grounded, and ready to start my day. When the day comes where I can head back to the office, I know I will very much miss these walks—and realizing that helps me appreciate time in general. This is time I get with her that I did not have before, and we all know how quickly time often seems to go! Who knew one skill could give so much?

You never know what skills and strategies are going to work for you and stick around long-term, so I recommend trying lots of things out at least a few times. Even if your initial thought is “that’s not for me,” give it a go!

I did not think about adding an extra 30 minutes to my morning until I saw my husband do it. I love my sleep, so I was honestly skeptical this would work for me. But I decided to try it, and now I look forward to that time and cherish it.

I hope you can find some help with these skills. I’d be curious to know how they go for you.