Coping Ahead

We’re heading into another season, and it’s one that people either love—for all the pumpkin everything, leaf-peeping, and fun layered clothing options—or feel a sense of dread because of the cold weather and decrease in daylight which can really impact mood. 

However, no matter what camp you fall into, whether you struggle with fall or you tend prance through the leaves and snow feeling happy, I encourage you to think about coping skills that might help you manage through what might be a particularly challenging change of seasons for everyone.

That’s because this fall may be very different from what we’re used to. It may be harder to visit loved ones outside, cold-weather activities (both indoor and outdoor) may be harder to do, and another stay-at-home order could happen unexpectedly in many communities. 

When you can see a potential challenge like this coming down the pike, one of the best strategies to employ is coping ahead. Coping ahead is a strategy that will leave you feeling more in control of your emotions and better able to get through any challenges you might face. That’s because you will be going in prepared. 

Once you have your toolbox of skills, incorporate them into your schedule now so your mood is more protected later on. If you do start to feel depressed or anxious, those habits will help cushion you, possibly preventing an extreme mood swing. 

Here are some strategies you can practice for coping ahead over the next month.

• Wake up at the same time every day. Consider having something fun to look forward to that helps with that process—a cup of coffee, your favorite breakfast, a hot shower, a call with a friend or family member. Keeping your sleep schedule consistent and having a routine in the morning will help your mood. 

• At the beginning of each day, ask yourself how you want to take care of you. Each day can bring a different answer based on what you need, which means you may have to use a different skill (which will help you keep them fresh). And asking yourself this question means that you are making yourself a priority!

• Stay connected to your people. Those could be friends, family, loved ones, or your therapist. Plan a FaceTime call, online games with friends, or socially distant walks if that’s an option. Even if you feel like you don’t have the time, make the effort to stay connected. Depression and anxiety want you to isolate. And if you listen to them, those emotions will take over. If you truly don’t have the energy to leave your house or really don’t feel like talking, think about texting someone or FaceTiming over a movie. This will help you keep that bridge of communication open and help fight off any negative emotions without draining you. 

• Think about anything you can do that will create structure (outside of work) in your day-to-day and also holds your interest. Some ideas are taking an online class, joining a virtual book club, getting involved in a local association, or starting a recipe book. Think about what would help you create fun structure during your day, and then give it a try. Many of these activities may still be virtual, but seeing others (even over video) and having something to look forward to outside of the daily grind can have a positive impact on mood, especially as it’s getting darker out and we have to remain physically distant from each other. 

If you like any of the skills above, write them down! Having a visual representation of your coping ahead toolbox will make it that much easier to access and remember to use. Put that list on your fridge, your desk, or even on your phone or laptop.

Remember: We are all in this together, and I am right there with you. 

When Stress and Anxiety Morph into Depression

Recently, several people have shared with me that they feel they aren’t getting the same enjoyment out of things as they used to. Every day feels the same; even talking to friends has felt boring because nothing new is happening. 

The pandemic-fueled isolation that once felt like strong anxiety and stress is now growing into a sense of sadness and depression.

Sadness and depression can make us feel weighed down (emotionally and physically).

We might feel like we have to move mountains to do basic chores, doing things we typically enjoyed may no longer give us the same satisfaction, and sleep and appetite can suffer too. 

I wanted to share one skill I often recommend to those feeling stuck in challenging emotions. It’s a method that can be done in small steps with the goal of getting you to a better-feeling place. 

It’s called Opposite Action. 

Opposite action means that you engage in doing the exact opposite of what your mood is telling you to do. 

If depression is telling you: “Stay inside! It’s too much effort to go out for a walk or see anyone safely” or sadness is telling you: “Why shower? You aren’t going out anyway, so who cares?” and you listen to them, the more sad and depressed you will feel overall. 

It often feels easiest to listen to these thoughts, and we convince ourselves that we’re just avoiding stress and anxiety. But the more you listen to that sad and depressed voice, the more that negative mood grows. 

So how do you begin practicing the opposite action skill? 

Opposite action is about doing small things that help move you in the opposite direction from your negative mood. So first, you can make a list of all the things you could do instead of taking the action (or inaction) that voice is suggesting. And then try to do at least one of those things on the list. 

For example, if you know getting outside might help your mood, think about each step you need to take to get out the door. Your list might include: Get up. Put on socks, shoes, and a jacket. Get a mask, keys, and wallet. And finally: Open the door and step outside. When you see this action in steps, it can become less overwhelming. One small (and very conquerable) step leads to another. 

The overwhelming feelings of stress, depression, anxiety can lead to bigger problems. For instance, some people may turn to substance misuse to experience temporary highs that relieve mental health issues. If you’re experiencing anything like this, Forrest Behavioral Health could be able to help. Taking these small actions like going outside for a short walk can help.

Instead of feeling depressed and isolated, you can feel a little less depressed and be outside around others. Though it may not change your mood immediately, continually taking these opposite actions will help you feel less depressed over time. 

Opposite action allows you to take care of what you really need instead of listening to that negative mood. When you tend to yourself while still feeling sad, you start gaining control over how you feel. And, ultimately, you will start to feel better. One step at a time.

I hope you find this helpful! 

As always, I am sending good energy your way.

Three Strategies to Declutter Your Mind

Here we are with summer in full swing, a time that used to be about vacations and enjoying a nice, quiet pause. But right now, those options are not really available, and many of us are struggling with that. That’s partly because built-in summer breaks are usually a good opportunity to declutter our minds from stress.
 
Without a much-needed break, you might be feeling more stressed and notice your mind more cluttered with worry and to-do lists. And you’re right, that’s probably at least partly because you don’t have that weekend getaway, a planned staycation, or kids going to camp on the schedule.
 
So how do you quiet your mind and refocus when the schedule you thought you’d have changed, or when the break you anticipated gets kicked further down the road, leaving you feeling stranded? We have to find other ways to declutter our minds.
 
Here are three skills you can try today to work on getting some brain space back!
 
Declutter your physical space. Start by checking your work or living space. If your physical environment is cluttered, it can lead to mental clutter. When we start to feel overwhelmed or distracted, when our minds are stuffed to the brim, our physical space can start to represent how we are feeling.

The inside of our car might look like a teenager’s room, or our workspace might be overcrowded with paper and leftover coffee mugs. When our minds are cluttered, we often feel like we don’t have much bandwidth to take care of our environment. But taking care of that environment can often help us take care of our minds.
 
This isn’t to say you need to have a spotless house or office to make this strategy work for you. Try cleaning up or organizing your workspace or that one room in your house that’s your “mindful zone” or “Zen space.” See how that makes you feel.
 
Practice journaling. This skill can take as little as two minutes, and it can make a huge difference. Think of your journal as a place where you just fill pages with your thoughts, worries, and mental lists. When we carry our thoughts with us in our minds alone, it rarely helps us process or organize what we are thinking about or decide how to prioritize what’s most important.

Everything just ends up being a jumbled mess internally, creating more stress and more clutter in our thoughts and emotions. Writing things down not only creates space in our brains, but it also allows us to tangibly see what we are thinking and gives us an opportunity to organize, prioritize, and problem-solve.
 
Take one thing at a time. When we’re overwhelmed, sometimes we quickly jump from task to task in an effort to get everything done at once, but then we end up feeling like we’ve gotten nowhere with anything. I often think about a conveyor belt for this strategy. There might be many things on the conveyor belt, but you can only pick up one thing at a time.

Multitasking can be helpful at times, but when you are trying to declutter your mind, taking on many tasks at once only adds to the clutter. Write down (journal!) what’s on your conveyor belt, organize and prioritize, and tackle one thing at a time. You will notice your mind feeling more free!
 
I hope you find these strategies helpful.

Coping by Contributing

I know many of you may feel overwhelmed right now, and that’s understandable. There is a lot happening in our country and our world, and 2020 continues to challenge us. But with every challenge, there is an opportunity for growth. 
 
As we all continue to grapple with managing a pandemic, many are also opening their eyes to racial disparities in our society, moving to a new understanding of others’ lived experiences and hoping for the changes championed by the Black Lives Matter movement.
 
I have been hearing from a lot from people who say they want to be an active participant in changing our world but feel overwhelmed by feelings of anger, sadness, anxiety, and stress.  While some people have jumped into fighting for causes actively by protesting or have started reading, listening, or finding other ways to move forward, it is also natural to not know what to do—especially when it feels like there is so much to do.
 
So if you’re feeling stuck, here is one skill I often recommend that can help decrease feelings of stress and funnel your sadness, anger, and anxiety into a positive outcome.
 
Contributing is the art of giving to others in the form of time, talent, or treasure. When we give, it awakens a sense of meaning and purpose in our lives.
 
Contributing does not have to be a grand gesture. Of course, you can donate your time or money to a cause or charity you believe in. But contributing is also about making personal connections with others. When we do that, not only do we positively affect someone else, our own mood improves as well.
 
Giving to others can also create a sense of hopefulness and belonging within ourselves. These are all good things!  
 
If you’re looking for ideas of how you can contribute in ways big or small, here are some examples:

• Call or FaceTime someone just to say hello. Hearing a friendly voice can go a long way for someone (and for you)!

• Check on a friend or neighbor.

• Help someone with a grocery run or other chore (mow their lawn, water their plants, etc.).

• Buy items from local businesses that need support.

• Say hello to others who walk past you on the street to show solidarity.

• Read articles and books on topics that are important to you to help you become a better ally.

• Sign a petition to make your voice heard.

• Donate time to a charity or cause you believe in.

• Donate money to a charity or cause you believe in.

• Go to a protest if you feel comfortable doing so. 

This list showcases a wide range of options for contributing—and of course, there are many I am leaving out. But if you are feeling at a loss for what to do or where to start, making contributions is a great skill that can help shift your mindset and find your way forward. It may seem simple, but it goes a long way—both for you and for others.
 

Small Things Can Improve the Moment

Photo was taken during one of my mindful walks with my daughter!

As days blur into months, many of us feel like we are living in a time warp. The good news is April has arrived, and that means it is staying lighter out longer, which will hopefully help many people feel better even if we are stuck inside. Light can help improve mood. So open your shades and windows to let that light in, if you can, especially if you can’t go for a walk or step outside. 

Over the past month, I have had several clients ask what a stress expert like me was doing to cope through this challenging and stressful time. Good question!

Below are the top three skills that I am using every day. For me, these skills are connected to my life as a parent. But they can really help anyone, no matter your situation. I hope they will give you a jumping-off point for how to create your own set of skills. Just like letting in the light, small tweaks and additions in our lives can help improve the moment and decrease overall stress!

All together, these three skills take 65 minutes of my day. Each skill provides a different level of enjoyment. Combined, these 65 minutes are what helps me manage my stress and cope through all the current uncertainty throughout the rest of each day. And one of the best things about these skills is that you can take as little or as much time as you want with each of them. 

My Best Three Skills Right Now

Waking up 30 minutes early to lounge in bed.

This is a luxury I have not had in my life for almost two years, and I will definitely be keeping this skill. Pre-parent life, lounging in bed was my thing on weekend mornings. If it were a sport, I would have been a great competitor.

But after becoming a mom, that stopped overnight. Adding this back into my routine has been restorative. Instead of sleeping in, I wake up 30 minutes earlier so I can read the news, check personal email, and goof around on my phone—all while nice and cozy under the covers. And since my husband is already up and out of bed, I also make a point of spreading out— I call it starfishing! It’s a wonderful 30 minutes.

Appreciating my morning cup of coffee, especially the smell and the first few sips.

I take in the scent as it brews and sneak the first few sips in before I go upstairs to get my daughter ready for her day. Of course, I have had coffee in my life for many years. But for a while, I had been getting my morning cup at a local coffee shop before I headed to the office and drinking it at work. I had forgotten how nice it is to smell freshly brewed coffee in the morning. See? It really can be about the little things! 

Taking mindfulness walks.

I never took them before the pandemic. When I would walk to work, I was always on the phone or listening to a podcast. Yes, this was still “me time,” but rarely did I feel in the present moment. And when I would go on weekend adventures with my daughter, we’d go to places she could run around and explore, so I was focused on making sure she didn’t get hurt.

Now we walk together, and I keep my phone away. We walk and talk; point at colors, birds, trees, and fun window boxes; and say hello to the dogs (from six feet away, of course!).

These types of walks are a new skill I did not have before. Now I get to look around and practice appreciation, and I really get to enjoy seeing my daughter have fun up close. I come back from these walks feeling lighter, more grounded, and ready to start my day. When the day comes where I can head back to the office, I know I will very much miss these walks—and realizing that helps me appreciate time in general. This is time I get with her that I did not have before, and we all know how quickly time often seems to go! Who knew one skill could give so much?

You never know what skills and strategies are going to work for you and stick around long-term, so I recommend trying lots of things out at least a few times. Even if your initial thought is “that’s not for me,” give it a go!

I did not think about adding an extra 30 minutes to my morning until I saw my husband do it. I love my sleep, so I was honestly skeptical this would work for me. But I decided to try it, and now I look forward to that time and cherish it.

I hope you can find some help with these skills. I’d be curious to know how they go for you.

How to Manage Stress in Uncertain Times

Who knew when I decided to create a spring series focusing on stress management that there would be a pandemic and all of our stress levels would shoot through the roof? Not me.
 
2020 is giving us a run for our money, and now it’s more important than ever to learn how to manage our stress so it doesn’t permanently move into our lives.
 
What I’ve been hearing about most from people over the past two weeks is the stress of managing uncertainty.
 
There is an understanding that most things in our lives are uncertain, but moving through our general fast-paced days pre-pandemic, we could forget that fact. But now uncertainty is screaming at us. And with this much uncertainty, stress is never very far behind.
 
When will this be over?
When can I go back to work?
What if I get sick or someone I know gets sick?
Will this happen again?
When can I see my friends?
 
These are all good questions, and not having the answers right now gives stress a good chance of taking over our lives. So how do you manage stress when feeling bogged down by uncertainty?
 
Here’s one tried and true strategy I live by (I’ve been using it for the past two weeks) and want to share with you:
 
Break tasks into slivers, not chunks.

Breaking any task that causes stress into smaller pieces causes a big picture idea—which can feel overwhelming—to get slivered out into several small and more manageable bits, creating steps toward the bigger goal. This strategy allows us to see a way through to the end. That’s why it’s one of my favorites. Seeing slivers gives a starting point. Chunks can create panic.
 
For example, looking at our current situation as a chunk can get overwhelming very quickly. Then the questions I listed above have room to grow in our minds. We don’t know the answers, and that alone can cause stress. So I suggest slivering this situation out to make the unknown less daunting.
 
An example of a sliver would be “I got through yesterday and today is going OK so far.” That is honestly as far as any of us can go with being certain about anything, and saying a statement like that to ourselves can help us get into the present, to focus on what we are doing in the moment instead of looking into the uncertain future.
 
Another way to manage the challenges we're all facing is to introduce elements into your daily routine that you look forward to. This could be a work-related task, a catch-up call with friends, or tackling household chores that you've been postponing. Additionally, if you're dealing with mental health issues and seeking to make them more manageable, consider exploring your support options. This might involve finding a therapist, joining a support group, or seeking more intensive treatment. For instance, if you are struggling with alcohol use, recovery services like alcohol rehab near me play a crucial role. Such support can help you establish a structured schedule and routine that you can depend on throughout the day, providing a framework that supports your recovery journey.

Creating some structure or focusing on something that will make you feel good or you know you have to do (you might dislike laundry, but clean sheets can feel nice!) helps break down the unknown into some certainty: “I know what’s coming today; I’m going to do laundry.”
 
Staying mindful and focused on slivers reduces stress and helps us take it one step at a time, one day at a time. That’s why I always say: Slivers, not chunks.
 
I encourage you to practice breaking your day into slivers. See if that helps improve your focus and decrease any stress you are feeling through this uncertainty.
 
If you are interested in learning more about managing your stress, I also encourage you to check out my online store, where I offer tons of skills to manage all types of stress.

Stressed? Here’s How to Manage It

Welcome to the Progress Wellness newsletter spring series! Last summer I got great feedback on a series of newsletters and blog posts that focused on mindfulness strategies. So, I decided to start spring a little early with this new series on stress management. Over the next several months, I will be focusing on different types of stress and specific skills to manage it all. Hooray!

I felt this was an important topic to explore because when stress starts working against us, we become unproductive and unhappy. This is why having effective coping skills to manage stress is imperative to our well-being.  
 
Stress is something most of us have felt at some point in our lives. But how can we define it? Well, stress is an emotional strain—usually caused by life events—that can negatively affect how we think and perceive situations, impacting our internal well-being.
 
Here are just a few examples:

• You’re experiencing a lack of sleep, or you’re having difficulty falling or staying asleep.

• You’re experiencing ruminative thinking, which means you’re having a hard time shutting off your mind from your worried thoughts. It almost feels as if those worried thoughts are like a running stream in your mind, a stream that never rests.

• Your mind is engaging in negative self-dialogue, meaning your inner thoughts are beating you up. Phrases like “I can’t do this,” “I am going to look like an idiot,” or “I have no idea what to do” are common refrains. 

Do these symptoms resonate with you?
 
If you’re experiencing stress, here is one strategy I often recommend trying as a first line of defense:
 
Make a list of all the things you would like to do or get back to doing—aka self-care!  This could be making sure you’re still saying your favorite mantra periodically throughout the day; getting back into your favorite hobbies; learning something, like a new language or recipe; taking quick breaks at work; scheduling time to see friends; or even creating alone time. Or why not more than one!?
 
Once you have your list, ask yourself which thing you first want to incorporate into your life. How can you choose?

I recommend that you start with an item that is relatively easy to incorporate into your schedule. Then, once that’s part of your routine, consider adding in another. Think about adding these things into your schedule like you would a meeting in your calendar. This strategy can increase the likelihood of the routine sticking—and at the very least it can give you a visual reminder that you want to improve self-care!
 
Even small positive shifts in self-care can have dramatic effects in reducing stress levels.
 
If you’re interested in becoming an expert in managing your stress and kicking it to the curb once and for all, check out my online stress management course, covering in-depth strategies to combat every type of stress. The course includes printable worksheets and access to a private Facebook group, where I host a weekly livestream and answer questions for course members.
 
As always, I am sending good energy your way!

Stress Management and the Holiday Season

The holidays are fast approaching, and that can bring both excitement and stress rolled up into one tangled ball. That’s why I wanted to focus this month’s newsletter on strategies that help target holiday stress! I know we’re all extra short on time during this season, so let’s get to it.

Stress Busters for the Holiday Season

The bathroom! This is an underused strategy, in my opinion. The bathroom is a room that offers so many options. After just a few minutes in this porcelain haven, you could leave feeling more grounded and mindful.

A trip to the bathroom offers periodic pauses, opportunities to breathe and take a needed brain break. The skills I have listed for this strategy only take a few minutes—just long enough for you regroup without making others think you disappeared.

*Run warm or cold water on your wrists. This can be very soothing and calming. Or splash cold water on your face!

*Sit on the edge of the tub (if there is one) and describe the room to yourself. What do you see? Are there tiles? Is there a pattern? What colors do you see? Can you hear anything? A vent perhaps? Dripping water?

Say your answers aloud. You can say it all in a whisper if you prefer, but it’s better to do it verbally as it helps increase focus on the skill.

*Play a quick game on your phone. Word puzzles can be a fun break from whatever else is running through your mind.

*Watch a two-minute YouTube video of something funny or lighthearted.

*Do push-ups against the wall.

*Practice deep-breathing exercises, either while sitting or standing. You can try breathing in through your belly to the count of four and exhaling to the count of eight. Or find a different breathing technique that works for you. If counting isn’t your thing, that’s OK! There are so many out there, I know you can find one that you like.

*Text friends to check-in and take yourself out of your current situation.

Who knew you could be so skillful in a bathroom! Going out to a restaurant for a holiday dinner instead of going to someone’s home or hosting? No problem! Most of these skills can be used or tweaked to work in public restrooms.

Appreciation is another skill that can be particularly helpful during the holidays. Practicing appreciation increases awareness that you have things to be grateful for, which can help reduce challenging emotions such as anger, anxiety, sadness, and stress.

Even the smallest thing we can come up with creates a positive shift in our brains. Feeling appreciation causes us to pay attention to what we do enjoy, have, and love, and leaves less room for any negative thoughts.

Give it a try! What are five things you appreciate at this very moment? It can be anything. Here are mine: I am grateful that I have eyes that can see, for my morning coffee in my Britney Spears mug, for the work I am doing, for my daughter and family, and for having the heat on this cold November day.

The idea is to practice both skills now, that way they will be on the front burner of your brain when you need them. There are a few days left before Thanksgiving. What skills will you be practicing to help prep for the day?

As always, I am sending good energy your way!

How to Cope Ahead

It’s October and fall is in the air. While some people look forward to this season—the clothes, the Charlie Brown specials, and pumpkin spice everything—others really struggle.

Many people will naturally start to make fewer plans and hunker inside at home as the months get colder and darker, and that can make some people feel lonely. And if you live in New England, these months can linger until April!

Because this change in seasons has the potential to wreak havoc on our moods, I wanted to share one of my favorite coping skills that can help during this time of year.

Coping ahead can be a tremendously helpful skill, and it’s one that often gets overlooked. Coping ahead is like getting your armor on before going into battle: If you know that the darker months are more challenging on your mood (which is the battle), why would you go forward without any prep work (armor)?

That’s where coping ahead comes in! If you know you are going into something challenging, think about what skills you might need to have or develop to cope through it. Having a game plan sets us up for success better than winging it.

So let’s talk through a good first step in that game plan, which I hope will help you start coping ahead for the fall and beyond: planning out some structure.

Those who know me know that I’m big on this! Having at least an outline of structure can give you options for how to get through a challenging time. What might you consider structure? Here are some ideas!

Make a list of friends you might want to see, and then make some plans. Coffee dates during the work day; snacks before heading home after work; or weekend gatherings at a friend’s house, a café, or your place (if you don’t mind hosting). Think about how much social time you’d like to have this fall, and start making those tentative plans now.

Another way to create structure ahead of time is to start making a list of fun movies or books to enjoy. You can also choose some cafés or libraries you’d like to go to, places where you can be around others while you have a treat, do some journaling, or listen to a podcast.

If you’re finding this hard, try going for treatment. Getting some real professional support is often the catalyst you need to start making progress faster and getting to where you want to go quicker. You can often obtain new approaches and ideas that enable you to feel more doing the things you know you should be doing, but can’t. 

Being around others even when we are alone can help improve our mood. And mapping out a tentative schedule can provide a sense of comfort and provide a more positive perspective before and during these fall and winter months.

PS If you are interested in learning more about the skills and strategies in this newsletter, among others, please check out my online course.

Summer Series Part 3: Mindfulness

As the summer comes to a close, some of us might be excited to move onto the next season, but some of us might be feeling sad or stressed about the upcoming transition. Changes in seasons can bring about lots of emotions for many different reasons. This is why I wanted to focus on mindfulness for the third and final lesson of the Progress Wellness summer series!

Mindfulness is a wonderful skill to practice because when we are feeling worried, stressed, or anxious (like some of us are when seasons change), being present can be difficult. But it can also be very helpful in those very same moments.

So what is mindfulness?

Mindfulness is the art of being in the present moment. It’s being aware of where we are and what we are doing, while observing our own thoughts, feelings, and physical sensations, all without reacting to them.

Yet mindfulness can sometimes feel like an abstract idea that’s impossible to attain. But just like any skill set, the more we practice, the better we become. Mindfulness can help reduce anxiety, stress, and depression—and there’s research to back that up! The more we practice mindfulness, the better we feel, and the more present we are.

There are many different ways to practice mindfulness. Often people think practicing mindfulness means they need to meditate, sit still, or close their eyes for a period of time. While some do enjoy practicing mindfulness in that way, there are plenty of other ways we can engage in mindfulness too. And the good news is that we can do most of these things for however long we want, whenever we want—even right now!

Below are some surprising ways people practice mindfulness:

Exercise (running, walking, lifting weights, yoga, etc.)

Cooking

Working on a puzzle

Gardening

Naming five things you can see, hear, and touch

Deep breathing exercises

Listening to a guided meditation (in person or digitally)

As you can see, mindfulness comes in many different packages. The idea is to find something that allows you to participate in the moment. For those who enjoy using cooking as a mindfulness strategy, they are fully engaged at that moment, focusing on the smells, tastes, and textures of the dish they are preparing. Or deep breathing exercises help people focus on their breath—each moment they take a deep breath in or out, their mind is present and focused on their body.

During your mindfulness practice, you might notice that your mind wanders off and you begin thinking about something else, maybe about your worries or anxieties. When that happens, just notice it and bring your attention back to the moment. It’s all a natural part of practicing the art of mindfulness.

If you would like to learn more about mindfulness, check out my YouTube channel! I cover this topic in more depth and also demonstrate a quick 30-second mindfulness strategy.

Thinking Your Way to Feeling Better

It’s a simple fact: Our thoughts affect our mood. And it’s easy to understand why.

Take this moment to notice your mood. How are you feeling?  Now, take a moment and observe your thoughts. What are you thinking?

If you are feeling happy, your thoughts are most likely in the happy category. If you are feeling anxious or stressed, then your thoughts are most likely causing you to have anxious or stressed thoughts.

Thoughts affect our mood. When we think better thoughts, we feel better. Sounds easy, right? Well, it might take a few sentences to explain, but it’s actually hard work.

You can improve this in a number of ways, including therapies such as hypnotherapy, as well as simply making a change in how you think of yourself. It’s this which we are going to be looking at here in some detail.

Thinking our way to feeling better means we make a conscious decision to essentially change how we think about ourselves and the situations we are in. The deeper the negative roots are, the harder it can be to rip them out for good—but it can be done.

Here’s how to start.

Step 1: Track your mood and thoughts each day and write them down. Keep a journal or use your phone. The important thing is to collect your data.

How are you feeling and what are you telling yourself based on that emotion you are experiencing? Start making the connections.

Example: You’ve tracked your mood and observed your thoughts for a few days, and you notice that your dominant emotion is anxiety. Your thoughts are filled with “what if” thoughts:
“What if I can’t get this done on time and my boss fires me?”
“What if this actually does not work out the way I had hoped?”
“What if I make a mistake? I’m going to look stupid.”
“What if I don’t know how to do what’s asked of me, and people realize that I’m not as good as everyone thinks I am?”

I could go on and on with examples of anxious thoughts, but you get the idea. Anxiety creates doubt. If doubt gets in the room, it snowballs and attempts to take up our entire house.

Now that you have data on your emotions and the thoughts connected to those emotions, you can move on to the next step.

Step 2: As you track your thoughts and emotions about yourself or a situation, I want you to ask yourself:
“What would I tell my best friend if they were saying this to themselves? Would I say the exact same thing about them? Or would I offer a different perspective and probably be more kind?”

We are our own worst critics, so most often we wouldn’t dream of saying what we say to ourselves about ourselves to someone else. My guess is you would probably be more realistic and kind to your friend.

Example: Let’s say you think:
“What if I make a mistake? I’m going to look stupid.”

Now, in response, ask yourself this: “If my friend came to me saying that, would I tell that friend, ‘Yes, I hate to tell you this, but if you make a mistake that means you are stupid.’?” Seems pretty harsh and untrue. What might you say instead?

Maybe you’d tell them how making mistakes is how we learn. Or you could remind them that people make mistakes all the time and that in no way do those mistakes define who they are. Or you’d remind them that they’ve been in positions where they did not know something before, and they figured it out. This time is no different. You’d tell them: “You got this!”

Now that you have data and evidence that there is more than the first perspective, you are forced to see alternative ways of looking at your own anxious situation. Now give yourself the same responses you would give your friend. It might not feel as true as it does saying it to someone else, but you have to admit your first viewpoint is not the only answer.

Notice how different these two interpretations of the same situation can be. Notice how you feel taking the first approach compared to the second.

When we are able to create different perspectives, we give ourselves an opportunity to see different outcomes, to challenge assumptions, and to be more realistic and kind to ourselves. We are reality testing instead of allowing our negative mood to dictate what we think and believe.

That’s healthier and more productive. When we think better, we feel better. That’s a fact!

I encourage you to take this month to keep track of your moods and your thoughts, and to challenge any harsh thoughts with “What would I tell my best friend right now?” And then try to listen to those answers.

Consider your mind like a radio. Whenever you catch the strains of negative thoughts broadcasting through your mental speakers, make a conscious decision to switch to a more positive station. It will definitely require some effort at first. However, the more often you change the channel, the more automatic it becomes. This is why every reputable rehabilitation center emphasizes the importance of recognizing and combating negative thought patterns. It's a process, but one you're fully capable of mastering. With time and practice, this healthier, positive station will become your default setting!

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy: How it Works

Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) is a type of psychotherapy that teaches effective strategies to combat negative thought patterns by focusing on reframing negative thoughts into positive thoughts.

How to Find Your Mantra

This month, I wanted to talk about why mantras or positive statements we repeat to ourselves can play an important part in helping us get through challenging times. Mantras can help us feel more centered, grounded, and empowered while we are feeling a bit scared, sad, or even angry.  

In 2017, I discovered that one of my favorite singers (Ani DiFranco) would be performing in Edinburgh. I thought about how fun it would be to see her play and thought I could take this opportunity to make my first solo trip. Although I have flown alone many times, I had always had plans to meet someone on the other end before. But an entire week in Scotland ending with Ani sounded like the perfect adventure!

Until uncertainty and self-doubt emerged, I started to think, “What if I miss my connecting flight? What if I get lost? What if I feel awkward eating dinner alone? What if, what if, what if…”

I knew I wanted to go, but the thought of going also made me feel scared and anxious. I also knew that this challenge would be an opportunity to embrace fear and uncertainty—a great opportunity for personal growth. So that’s when I said to myself, “If something makes me anxious, I am going to do it anyway.” That has been my mantra ever since.

My new mantra helped me move through the fear and book the trip. I am so glad I did it because I had a blast. I met new people. I had dinner alone and loved it. I went on tours and walked around the city. I did not get lost, but I did almost miss my connection on the way back to Boston. I reframed that experience by saying, “If I miss my connection, I can spend a night in Ireland, which wouldn’t be such a bad thing.”

This new mantra has also helped me both personally and professionally.

In my personal life, I’ve been taking risks by joining clubs and attending different events on my own, something I might not have done before. I’ve made good friends out of those experiences. Now I also know that I enjoy dinners alone, and I feel confident taking more social risks.

On the professional side, I have created a blog, written for HuffingtonPost.com, Today.com Parenting, and ThriveGlobal.com. I’ve done interviews for Bustle.com, PopSugar.com, and many other national media outlets. I have agreed to be a guest on national podcasts and radio stations where I talked about stress and anxiety management. I have even written a stress management course called Breaking Everyday into Slivers Not Chunks: Practical Skills to Manage Every Day Stressors. Doing this work made me feel anxious, nervous, excited, and scared all rolled up into one. I’d never done any of these things before. And I said “yes” to it all.  

Answering “yes” to such opportunities can lead to amazing experiences. But I know it also brings uncertainty and risk, which means I open myself up to fail. I just remind myself that if I do flub or bomb, then at least I’ll learn from it and possibly get a good story out of the experience!

I’ve learned that, sometimes, we have to experience some discomfort in order to grow. If it makes me anxious, I am going to do it anyway.

I’m not talking about being-alone-in-a-dark-alley-at-midnight type of anxiety where there is a likelihood of actual danger. I’m talking about when anxiety tries to convince us that the idea of failure is too strong to take a risk, and tries to force us to make a decision to not go for something we want. 

If it makes me anxious, I am going to do it anyway. This is what I say to myself on a regular basis, and this way of thinking has served me well. I want to pass along this experience in case it helps others like it has helped me.

I encourage you to find a statement, quote, or mantra that you truly feel holds your feet to the fire when there is an opportunity to embrace uncertainty rather than run away from it.

How to find the right therapist

Are you struggling to find a therapist who you feel can really help you? Are you going to therapy search websites and feeling overwhelmed by all the profiles and information that’s out there?
 
You’re not alone; I hear about this struggle time and time again. Maybe you’re ready for therapy but aren’t sure how to tell if a therapist is right for you, or perhaps you just don’t feel you’re clicking with your current therapist and want to explore other options. Either way, there are some things you can ask yourself and potential therapists to make sure you find a good fit.
 
The best therapist for you is someone who fits your personality and who’s able to understand and help you with the particular issues you want to work on. You don’t always find “the one” on the first date. Not every therapist out there is going to be “the one” either.
 
So what can you do to narrow down the search and have a better chance at finding that therapist who is right for you?
 
First, ask yourself some questions to help you discover what kind of therapist you’re really looking for:
 
*Do you prefer to see a male or female therapist? Or does that not matter to you?

*What time are you able to meet? Some therapists have evening and weekend availability, others do not. Do you have a strong day and time preference, or are your hours flexible?

*How important is location to you? Do you want someone close to where you work, study, or live?

*Do you have a preference when it comes to therapy style? For example, would you like a therapist who is proactive during therapy sessions, who makes them feel more like conversations and discussions? Or are you looking for a therapist who is more passive, giving you most of the session to talk and providing small pockets of feedback periodically?

*Do you need to use your insurance for therapy sessions? Or can you afford to pay privately if the therapist you want to see is not on your insurance panel?

*What issues do you want to work on?
 
Once you understand your own preferences and needs, you can ask any potential therapists the following questions to feel out if they might be a good match for you:
 
*What is their availability? Does their schedule match yours? 

*Where are they located? Do they have multiple offices?

*How would they describe themselves as a therapist? Are they more passive or proactive in sessions? Are they direct and blunt, or do they carefully guide people toward answers? Some therapists may also have a website that provides more information on who they are as a clinician.

*Do they take insurance? If so, which ones? If not, what is the out-of-pocket fee?

Note: If you need to use your insurance, you can also start your search by calling your health care provider and asking for names of clinicians who are on your insurance panel. This is an easy way to narrow down your initial list of therapists to speak with.      

*Do they treat what you are looking to work on? If so, how long they have been doing this type of work? And what methods do they use in sessions to help?

*Lastly, how do they sound on the phone? Does this person sound like they know what they are talking about? Do they sound helpful? Do you get a feeling that you click? I know some people find using the phone difficult, especially if there is anxiety involved, but I do encourage you to speak with your potential therapists at least once over the phone before scheduling a session.
 
There’s no 100-percent guarantee that you’ll be able to feel out a good fit just by talking to someone on the phone for 10 minutes and asking them questions, but this process can certainly help you discover what you need and hopefully lead you to a therapist who you think you might find helpful and enjoy working with. 
 
I know the search for the right therapist can feel like an uphill battle at times. I hope this advice is helpful as you look for a therapist who best fits you and your needs.
 
As always, I am sending good energy your way.