Give Yourself the Gift of Self-Compassion

Here we are in the midst of holidays and nearing the end of 2021. I thought it would be helpful to talk about how to manage your stress during this time of year knowing that more families are getting together, more people are traveling, and well, the holidays can be stressful!

One strategy I have been talking most about in my practice over the past few months-gearing up for the holidays-has been self-compassion. When you practice self-compassion, you are being skillful and engaging in self-care.

Self-compassion is being warm and kind to yourself during a time of difficulty, failure, or feeling inadequate, rather than beating yourself up, listening to negative thoughts, or ignoring your feelings.

If you struggle with finding ways to manage your holiday stress and are quick to go down the negative thinking rabbit hole, try practicing self-compassion. It’s free, you can start today, and you only need to donate a few minutes each day (more of course if you can) to feel the results. 

Here are some ways you can practice self-compassion:
Be gentle with yourself and catch those negative thoughts before they take over.

Instead of saying “I am an idiot, why did I do that,” try instead “I learn by doing, and I made a mistake. What can I learn from this experience?”

Think about what you would tell your best friend if they were in the same situation and then say that to yourself on repeat. If you are feeling stressed out because you can’t afford the big gift your loved one (such as a partner, parent, child, or friend) has been asking for, and are beating yourself up for it, would you tell your best friend “Well, suck it up buttercup. You are just going to have to buy the gift because they want it and you don’t want to disappoint them,” or would you say something more realistic and kind?

For example, I might tell my best friend, “I know you’d love to get them the big gift but financially it sounds too difficult right now. You are such a wonderful (partner, daughter/son, or parent) to want to get them the gift. Perhaps have them choose between two other gifts they want that are within your price range. Holidays are more than just the gifts we get.”

Set personal limits with family and friends.

You can’t be all things to all people.

You can set limits by creating boundary statements that help you say what it is you need.

“I would love to host this year but there is too much going on and I can’t make it happen. Someone else needs to host this year.”

“I would love to get dinner with you, but this week is hectic. I have more free time (next week/after the holidays/on Fridays) so let’s pick a time around then.”

Do something kind for yourself each day.

Go for a short walk, eat your favorite breakfast, or wear an outfit that makes you feel good.

Being kind and self-compassionate does not cost money but it does require time. Small amounts of time each day to focus on being kind to yourself while you navigate hard emotional obstacles will help you get through challenges with more ease.

When Stress and Anxiety Morph into Depression

Recently, several people have shared with me that they feel they aren’t getting the same enjoyment out of things as they used to. Every day feels the same; even talking to friends has felt boring because nothing new is happening. 

The pandemic-fueled isolation that once felt like strong anxiety and stress is now growing into a sense of sadness and depression.

Sadness and depression can make us feel weighed down (emotionally and physically).

We might feel like we have to move mountains to do basic chores, doing things we typically enjoyed may no longer give us the same satisfaction, and sleep and appetite can suffer too. 

I wanted to share one skill I often recommend to those feeling stuck in challenging emotions. It’s a method that can be done in small steps with the goal of getting you to a better-feeling place. 

It’s called Opposite Action. 

Opposite action means that you engage in doing the exact opposite of what your mood is telling you to do. 

If depression is telling you: “Stay inside! It’s too much effort to go out for a walk or see anyone safely” or sadness is telling you: “Why shower? You aren’t going out anyway, so who cares?” and you listen to them, the more sad and depressed you will feel overall. 

It often feels easiest to listen to these thoughts, and we convince ourselves that we’re just avoiding stress and anxiety. But the more you listen to that sad and depressed voice, the more that negative mood grows. 

So how do you begin practicing the opposite action skill? 

Opposite action is about doing small things that help move you in the opposite direction from your negative mood. So first, you can make a list of all the things you could do instead of taking the action (or inaction) that voice is suggesting. And then try to do at least one of those things on the list. 

For example, if you know getting outside might help your mood, think about each step you need to take to get out the door. Your list might include: Get up. Put on socks, shoes, and a jacket. Get a mask, keys, and wallet. And finally: Open the door and step outside. When you see this action in steps, it can become less overwhelming. One small (and very conquerable) step leads to another. 

Instead of feeling depressed and isolated, you can feel a little less depressed and be outside around others. Though it may not change your mood immediately, continually taking these opposite actions will help you feel less depressed over time. 

Opposite action allows you to take care of what you really need instead of listening to that negative mood. When you tend to yourself while still feeling sad, you start gaining control over how you feel. And, ultimately, you will start to feel better. One step at a time.

I hope you find this helpful! 

As always, I am sending good energy your way.

Coping by Contributing

I know many of you may feel overwhelmed right now, and that’s understandable. There is a lot happening in our country and our world, and 2020 continues to challenge us. But with every challenge, there is an opportunity for growth. 
 
As we all continue to grapple with managing a pandemic, many are also opening their eyes to racial disparities in our society, moving to a new understanding of others’ lived experiences and hoping for the changes championed by the Black Lives Matter movement.
 
I have been hearing from a lot from people who say they want to be an active participant in changing our world but feel overwhelmed by feelings of anger, sadness, anxiety, and stress.  While some people have jumped into fighting for causes actively by protesting or have started reading, listening, or finding other ways to move forward, it is also natural to not know what to do—especially when it feels like there is so much to do.
 
So if you’re feeling stuck, here is one skill I often recommend that can help decrease feelings of stress and funnel your sadness, anger, and anxiety into a positive outcome.
 
Contributing is the art of giving to others in the form of time, talent, or treasure. When we give, it awakens a sense of meaning and purpose in our lives.
 
Contributing does not have to be a grand gesture. Of course, you can donate your time or money to a cause or charity you believe in. But contributing is also about making personal connections with others. When we do that, not only do we positively affect someone else, our own mood improves as well.
 
Giving to others can also create a sense of hopefulness and belonging within ourselves. These are all good things!  
 
If you’re looking for ideas of how you can contribute in ways big or small, here are some examples:

• Call or FaceTime someone just to say hello. Hearing a friendly voice can go a long way for someone (and for you)!

• Check on a friend or neighbor.

• Help someone with a grocery run or other chore (mow their lawn, water their plants, etc.).

• Buy items from local businesses that need support.

• Say hello to others who walk past you on the street to show solidarity.

• Read articles and books on topics that are important to you to help you become a better ally.

• Sign a petition to make your voice heard.

• Donate time to a charity or cause you believe in.

• Donate money to a charity or cause you believe in.

• Go to a protest if you feel comfortable doing so. 

This list showcases a wide range of options for contributing—and of course, there are many I am leaving out. But if you are feeling at a loss for what to do or where to start, making contributions is a great skill that can help shift your mindset and find your way forward. It may seem simple, but it goes a long way—both for you and for others.
 

Small Things Can Improve the Moment

Photo was taken during one of my mindful walks with my daughter!

As days blur into months, many of us feel like we are living in a time warp. The good news is April has arrived, and that means it is staying lighter out longer, which will hopefully help many people feel better even if we are stuck inside. Light can help improve mood. So open your shades and windows to let that light in, if you can, especially if you can’t go for a walk or step outside. 

Over the past month, I have had several clients ask what a stress expert like me was doing to cope through this challenging and stressful time. Good question!

Below are the top three skills that I am using every day. For me, these skills are connected to my life as a parent. But they can really help anyone, no matter your situation. I hope they will give you a jumping-off point for how to create your own set of skills. Just like letting in the light, small tweaks and additions in our lives can help improve the moment and decrease overall stress!

All together, these three skills take 65 minutes of my day. Each skill provides a different level of enjoyment. Combined, these 65 minutes are what helps me manage my stress and cope through all the current uncertainty throughout the rest of each day. And one of the best things about these skills is that you can take as little or as much time as you want with each of them. 

My Best Three Skills Right Now

Waking up 30 minutes early to lounge in bed.

This is a luxury I have not had in my life for almost two years, and I will definitely be keeping this skill. Pre-parent life, lounging in bed was my thing on weekend mornings. If it were a sport, I would have been a great competitor.

But after becoming a mom, that stopped overnight. Adding this back into my routine has been restorative. Instead of sleeping in, I wake up 30 minutes earlier so I can read the news, check personal email, and goof around on my phone—all while nice and cozy under the covers. And since my husband is already up and out of bed, I also make a point of spreading out— I call it starfishing! It’s a wonderful 30 minutes.

Appreciating my morning cup of coffee, especially the smell and the first few sips.

I take in the scent as it brews and sneak the first few sips in before I go upstairs to get my daughter ready for her day. Of course, I have had coffee in my life for many years. But for a while, I had been getting my morning cup at a local coffee shop before I headed to the office and drinking it at work. I had forgotten how nice it is to smell freshly brewed coffee in the morning. See? It really can be about the little things! 

Taking mindfulness walks.

I never took them before the pandemic. When I would walk to work, I was always on the phone or listening to a podcast. Yes, this was still “me time,” but rarely did I feel in the present moment. And when I would go on weekend adventures with my daughter, we’d go to places she could run around and explore, so I was focused on making sure she didn’t get hurt.

Now we walk together, and I keep my phone away. We walk and talk; point at colors, birds, trees, and fun window boxes; and say hello to the dogs (from six feet away, of course!).

These types of walks are a new skill I did not have before. Now I get to look around and practice appreciation, and I really get to enjoy seeing my daughter have fun up close. I come back from these walks feeling lighter, more grounded, and ready to start my day. When the day comes where I can head back to the office, I know I will very much miss these walks—and realizing that helps me appreciate time in general. This is time I get with her that I did not have before, and we all know how quickly time often seems to go! Who knew one skill could give so much?

You never know what skills and strategies are going to work for you and stick around long-term, so I recommend trying lots of things out at least a few times. Even if your initial thought is “that’s not for me,” give it a go!

I did not think about adding an extra 30 minutes to my morning until I saw my husband do it. I love my sleep, so I was honestly skeptical this would work for me. But I decided to try it, and now I look forward to that time and cherish it.

I hope you can find some help with these skills. I’d be curious to know how they go for you.

How to Manage Stress in Uncertain Times

Who knew when I decided to create a spring series focusing on stress management that there would be a pandemic and all of our stress levels would shoot through the roof? Not me.
 
2020 is giving us a run for our money, and now it’s more important than ever to learn how to manage our stress so it doesn’t permanently move into our lives.
 
What I’ve been hearing about most from people over the past two weeks is the stress of managing uncertainty.
 
There is an understanding that most things in our lives are uncertain, but moving through our general fast-paced days pre-pandemic, we could forget that fact. But now uncertainty is screaming at us. And with this much uncertainty, stress is never very far behind.
 
When will this be over?
When can I go back to work?
What if I get sick or someone I know gets sick?
Will this happen again?
When can I see my friends?
 
These are all good questions, and not having the answers right now gives stress a good chance of taking over our lives. So how do you manage stress when feeling bogged down by uncertainty?
 
Here’s one tried and true strategy I live by (I’ve been using it for the past two weeks) and want to share with you:
 
Break tasks into slivers, not chunks.

Breaking any task that causes stress into smaller pieces causes a big picture idea—which can feel overwhelming—to get slivered out into several small and more manageable bits, creating steps toward the bigger goal. This strategy allows us to see a way through to the end. That’s why it’s one of my favorites. Seeing slivers gives a starting point. Chunks can create panic.
 
For example, looking at our current situation as a chunk can get overwhelming very quickly. Then the questions I listed above have room to grow in our minds. We don’t know the answers, and that alone can cause stress. So I suggest slivering this situation out to make the unknown less daunting.
 
An example of a sliver would be “I got through yesterday and today is going OK so far.” That is honestly as far as any of us can go with being certain about anything, and saying a statement like that to ourselves can help us get into the present, to focus on what we are doing in the moment instead of looking into the uncertain future.
 
Another way to sliver what we’re all going through would be to create something you look forward to each day or adding something concrete and certain to your schedule. This could be a work-related task, a call with friends, or household chores that you haven’t had time for until recently.

Creating some structure or focusing on something that will make you feel good or you know you have to do (you might dislike laundry, but clean sheets can feel nice!) helps break down the unknown into some certainty: “I know what’s coming today; I’m going to do laundry.”
 
Staying mindful and focused on slivers reduces stress and helps us take it one step at a time, one day at a time. That’s why I always say: Slivers, not chunks.
 
I encourage you to practice breaking your day into slivers. See if that helps improve your focus and decrease any stress you are feeling through this uncertainty.
 
If you are interested in learning more about managing your stress, I also encourage you to check out my online store, where I offer tons of skills to manage all types of stress.

Stressed? Here’s How to Manage It

Welcome to the Progress Wellness newsletter spring series! Last summer I got great feedback on a series of newsletters and blog posts that focused on mindfulness strategies. So, I decided to start spring a little early with this new series on stress management. Over the next several months, I will be focusing on different types of stress and specific skills to manage it all. Hooray!

I felt this was an important topic to explore because when stress starts working against us, we become unproductive and unhappy. This is why having effective coping skills to manage stress is imperative to our well-being.  
 
Stress is something most of us have felt at some point in our lives. But how can we define it? Well, stress is an emotional strain—usually caused by life events—that can negatively affect how we think and perceive situations, impacting our internal well-being.
 
Here are just a few examples:

• You’re experiencing a lack of sleep, or you’re having difficulty falling or staying asleep.

• You’re experiencing ruminative thinking, which means you’re having a hard time shutting off your mind from your worried thoughts. It almost feels as if those worried thoughts are like a running stream in your mind, a stream that never rests.

• Your mind is engaging in negative self-dialogue, meaning your inner thoughts are beating you up. Phrases like “I can’t do this,” “I am going to look like an idiot,” or “I have no idea what to do” are common refrains. 

Do these symptoms resonate with you?
 
If you’re experiencing stress, here is one strategy I often recommend trying as a first line of defense:
 
Make a list of all the things you would like to do or get back to doing—aka self-care!  This could be making sure you’re still saying your favorite mantra periodically throughout the day; getting back into your favorite hobbies; learning something, like a new language or recipe; taking quick breaks at work; scheduling time to see friends; or even creating alone time. Or why not more than one!?
 
Once you have your list, ask yourself which thing you first want to incorporate into your life. How can you choose?

I recommend that you start with an item that is relatively easy to incorporate into your schedule. Then, once that’s part of your routine, consider adding in another. Think about adding these things into your schedule like you would a meeting in your calendar. This strategy can increase the likelihood of the routine sticking—and at the very least it can give you a visual reminder that you want to improve self-care!
 
Even small positive shifts in self-care can have dramatic effects in reducing stress levels.
 
If you’re interested in becoming an expert in managing your stress and kicking it to the curb once and for all, check out my online stress management course, covering in-depth strategies to combat every type of stress. The course includes printable worksheets and access to a private Facebook group, where I host a weekly livestream and answer questions for course members.
 
As always, I am sending good energy your way!

How to Find Your Mantra

This month, I wanted to talk about why mantras or positive statements we repeat to ourselves can play an important part in helping us get through challenging times. Mantras can help us feel more centered, grounded, and empowered while we are feeling a bit scared, sad, or even angry.  

In 2017, I discovered that one of my favorite singers (Ani DiFranco) would be performing in Edinburgh. I thought about how fun it would be to see her play and thought I could take this opportunity to make my first solo trip. Although I have flown alone many times, I had always had plans to meet someone on the other end before. But an entire week in Scotland ending with Ani sounded like the perfect adventure!

Until uncertainty and self-doubt emerged, I started to think, “What if I miss my connecting flight? What if I get lost? What if I feel awkward eating dinner alone? What if, what if, what if…”

I knew I wanted to go, but the thought of going also made me feel scared and anxious. I also knew that this challenge would be an opportunity to embrace fear and uncertainty—a great opportunity for personal growth. So that’s when I said to myself, “If something makes me anxious, I am going to do it anyway.” That has been my mantra ever since.

My new mantra helped me move through the fear and book the trip. I am so glad I did it because I had a blast. I met new people. I had dinner alone and loved it. I went on tours and walked around the city. I did not get lost, but I did almost miss my connection on the way back to Boston. I reframed that experience by saying, “If I miss my connection, I can spend a night in Ireland, which wouldn’t be such a bad thing.”

This new mantra has also helped me both personally and professionally.

In my personal life, I’ve been taking risks by joining clubs and attending different events on my own, something I might not have done before. I’ve made good friends out of those experiences. Now I also know that I enjoy dinners alone, and I feel confident taking more social risks.

On the professional side, I have created a blog, written for HuffingtonPost.com, Today.com Parenting, and ThriveGlobal.com. I’ve done interviews for Bustle.com, PopSugar.com, and many other national media outlets. I have agreed to be a guest on national podcasts and radio stations where I talked about stress and anxiety management. I have even written a stress management course called Breaking Everyday into Slivers Not Chunks: Practical Skills to Manage Every Day Stressors. Doing this work made me feel anxious, nervous, excited, and scared all rolled up into one. I’d never done any of these things before. And I said “yes” to it all.  

Answering “yes” to such opportunities can lead to amazing experiences. But I know it also brings uncertainty and risk, which means I open myself up to fail. I just remind myself that if I do flub or bomb, then at least I’ll learn from it and possibly get a good story out of the experience!

I’ve learned that, sometimes, we have to experience some discomfort in order to grow. If it makes me anxious, I am going to do it anyway.

I’m not talking about being-alone-in-a-dark-alley-at-midnight type of anxiety where there is a likelihood of actual danger. I’m talking about when anxiety tries to convince us that the idea of failure is too strong to take a risk, and tries to force us to make a decision to not go for something we want. 

If it makes me anxious, I am going to do it anyway. This is what I say to myself on a regular basis, and this way of thinking has served me well. I want to pass along this experience in case it helps others like it has helped me.

I encourage you to find a statement, quote, or mantra that you truly feel holds your feet to the fire when there is an opportunity to embrace uncertainty rather than run away from it.

Skills to Help You Cope Through Loss

Coping through loss. Not a very fun sounding newsletter, is it?  But I think it’s an important and meaningful topic, and I hope this issue of the newsletter will help some of you. In recent months I have heard a lot about loss in my practice. Losing of loved ones, ending relationships, leaving college life and feeling shaky about what comes next, and moving on from friends and familiar places.  Loss comes in all different forms, but it’s always difficult. How the heck are we supposed to get through it?!
 
Regardless of what type of loss it is, emotions can overtake us and try to control what we do or don’t do. Disappointment, shock, depression, anger—they all call out to us in times of loss. And while these emotions are important to pay attention to, it is also important to pay attention to what we need to move through this pain we feel.
 
There are two skills that I have found particularly helpful in times of loss, and that I recommend you try too.
 
1). Set aside about 20 minutes (you can even set a timer if you want) and gather what you need to help you just be with whatever feelings arise. Get the aloe tissues ready, a glass of water to stay hydrated, a pillow to hug, or even stuffed animals (we won’t judge). 

Remember to be kind to yourself as you feel all those emotions.  And after that time limit, make sure you have something planned that helps you feel grounded. It could be watching something on Netflix, seeing a friend, taking a hot shower or bath, or listening to music you find soothing. Whatever it is, tend to yourself.

2). Structure can be your best friend in times of pain and loss. The last thing we need is to be on the couch in a dark room all day. (You can do that if you want, but refer to option 1 for some guidelines.) So give yourself some structure. Get out your weekly planner. If you don’t have one, make one. Look at your week and add in your work, school, family, and any other commitments you have to take care of. Then fill in the gaps. When do you want to see friends? When do you want to be alone and cry or journal? When do you want to watch TV or read that book you’ve been meaning to? When do you want to go for a walk or run? 

Scheduling yourself will create a structure that can help you move through emotions thoughtfully, kindly, and with built-in support. Of course, you can always move things around—nothing is ever set in stone. But knowing you have things to look forward to is so important. It’s part of being kind to yourself in a time of loss.

Going through a loss of any kind is a process. Emotions are important, and we need to create space to feel them so we can create space to heal. I hope you find these two methods of creating that space as helpful as I have.
 
Wishing you all good things.
 
Angela

Emotional Spring Cleaning

When you think of spring, you often think of shedding the old and bringing in the new. But that doesn’t have to mean just throwing out those old sweaters to make room for new ones. You can apply the same idea to the emotional clutter you collect and hold on to.

Just like unused clothes in a closet, emotions can take up room you can’t spare in your brain. That’s because you unintentionally hoard emotions like guilt, shame, sadness, and anxiety.

But what purpose does this collection of unfortunate emotions serve? None!

It's time to clean out that closet, weed that garden, take out the trash … you get the idea. It might not be as easy to throw out emotional clutter as it is to donate that ratty old sweater, but it can be done with a little patience and kindness.

Below are three steps to guide you through your emotional spring cleaning.

1. Emotional Sorting

Take those emotions off your mental shelf and look at them one by one. Do you need this emotion right now? Do you enjoy wearing it? If not, toss it into the trash. If you want to hold on to it, ask yourself why you want to keep it and for how long. I find these questions can help separate us from our thoughts and emotions, and help us answer honestly.

If you need some distance, I encourage you to ask these questions out loud. Talking it out can help! When you decide which thoughts and emotions are taking up too much space, you can take the next step in letting them go.

2. Journal

Put those thoughts from the trash pile onto a page. No judgment, no editing (swear words included), no holding back. Writing these thoughts down helps free your mind of any ruminative thinking. After you finish writing it all down, you can choose to keep it, shred it, or throw it out. Throwing out the physical evidence of those emotions can be particularly cathartic for many people.

3. Make a Self-Care List

Practice being kind to yourself. To loosen the grip of negative thoughts and emotions, and fully let go, you also need to put good things into your life. Go to the movies, read a book for fun, go for a walk, or do something you love on your own or with a friend. Make a list of activities that make you happy and pick something from it at least once a week.

Remember that these steps may need to be repeated several times before you feel the full effect of

letting go. Do not give up!

It is hard cleaning out old stuff, even when you desperately want to kick it to the curb. This is especially true of emotions. Be patient with yourself. You can always spend some extra time on Step 3 if you feel stuck.

Sending good energy your way!