When Stress and Anxiety Morph into Depression

Recently, several people have shared with me that they feel they aren’t getting the same enjoyment out of things as they used to. Every day feels the same; even talking to friends has felt boring because nothing new is happening. 

The pandemic-fueled isolation that once felt like strong anxiety and stress is now growing into a sense of sadness and depression.

Sadness and depression can make us feel weighed down (emotionally and physically).

We might feel like we have to move mountains to do basic chores, doing things we typically enjoyed may no longer give us the same satisfaction, and sleep and appetite can suffer too. 

I wanted to share one skill I often recommend to those feeling stuck in challenging emotions. It’s a method that can be done in small steps with the goal of getting you to a better-feeling place. 

It’s called Opposite Action. 

Opposite action means that you engage in doing the exact opposite of what your mood is telling you to do. 

If depression is telling you: “Stay inside! It’s too much effort to go out for a walk or see anyone safely” or sadness is telling you: “Why shower? You aren’t going out anyway, so who cares?” and you listen to them, the more sad and depressed you will feel overall. 

It often feels easiest to listen to these thoughts, and we convince ourselves that we’re just avoiding stress and anxiety. But the more you listen to that sad and depressed voice, the more that negative mood grows. 

So how do you begin practicing the opposite action skill? 

Opposite action is about doing small things that help move you in the opposite direction from your negative mood. So first, you can make a list of all the things you could do instead of taking the action (or inaction) that voice is suggesting. And then try to do at least one of those things on the list. 

For example, if you know getting outside might help your mood, think about each step you need to take to get out the door. Your list might include: Get up. Put on socks, shoes, and a jacket. Get a mask, keys, and wallet. And finally: Open the door and step outside. When you see this action in steps, it can become less overwhelming. One small (and very conquerable) step leads to another. 

Instead of feeling depressed and isolated, you can feel a little less depressed and be outside around others. Though it may not change your mood immediately, continually taking these opposite actions will help you feel less depressed over time. 

Opposite action allows you to take care of what you really need instead of listening to that negative mood. When you tend to yourself while still feeling sad, you start gaining control over how you feel. And, ultimately, you will start to feel better. One step at a time.

I hope you find this helpful! 

As always, I am sending good energy your way.

How to Cope Ahead

It’s October and fall is in the air. While some people look forward to this season—the clothes, the Charlie Brown specials, and pumpkin spice everything—others really struggle.

Many people will naturally start to make fewer plans and hunker inside at home as the months get colder and darker, and that can make some people feel lonely. And if you live in New England, these months can linger until April!

Because this change in seasons has the potential to wreak havoc on our moods, I wanted to share one of my favorite coping skills that can help during this time of year.

Coping ahead can be a tremendously helpful skill, and it’s one that often gets overlooked. Coping ahead is like getting your armor on before going into battle: If you know that the darker months are more challenging on your mood (which is the battle), why would you go forward without any prep work (armor)?

That’s where coping ahead comes in! If you know you are going into something challenging, think about what skills you might need to have or develop to cope through it. Having a game plan sets us up for success better than winging it.

So let’s talk through a good first step in that game plan, which I hope will help you start coping ahead for the fall and beyond: planning out some structure.

Those who know me know that I’m big on this! Having at least an outline of structure can give you options for how to get through a challenging time. What might you consider structure? Here are some ideas!

Make a list of friends you might want to see, and then make some plans. Coffee dates during the work day; snacks before heading home after work; or weekend gatherings at a friend’s house, a café, or your place (if you don’t mind hosting). Think about how much social time you’d like to have this fall, and start making those tentative plans now.

Another way to create structure ahead of time is to start making a list of fun movies or books to enjoy. You can also choose some cafés or libraries you’d like to go to, places where you can be around others while you have a treat, do some journaling, or listen to a podcast.

Being around others even when we are alone can help improve our mood. And mapping out a tentative schedule can provide a sense of comfort and provide a more positive perspective before and during these fall and winter months.

PS If you are interested in learning more about the skills and strategies in this newsletter, among others, please check out my online course

Skills to Help You Cope Through Loss

Coping through loss. Not a very fun sounding newsletter, is it?  But I think it’s an important and meaningful topic, and I hope this issue of the newsletter will help some of you. In recent months I have heard a lot about loss in my practice. Losing of loved ones, ending relationships, leaving college life and feeling shaky about what comes next, and moving on from friends and familiar places.  Loss comes in all different forms, but it’s always difficult. How the heck are we supposed to get through it?!
 
Regardless of what type of loss it is, emotions can overtake us and try to control what we do or don’t do. Disappointment, shock, depression, anger—they all call out to us in times of loss. And while these emotions are important to pay attention to, it is also important to pay attention to what we need to move through this pain we feel.
 
There are two skills that I have found particularly helpful in times of loss, and that I recommend you try too.
 
1). Set aside about 20 minutes (you can even set a timer if you want) and gather what you need to help you just be with whatever feelings arise. Get the aloe tissues ready, a glass of water to stay hydrated, a pillow to hug, or even stuffed animals (we won’t judge). 

Remember to be kind to yourself as you feel all those emotions.  And after that time limit, make sure you have something planned that helps you feel grounded. It could be watching something on Netflix, seeing a friend, taking a hot shower or bath, or listening to music you find soothing. Whatever it is, tend to yourself.

2). Structure can be your best friend in times of pain and loss. The last thing we need is to be on the couch in a dark room all day. (You can do that if you want, but refer to option 1 for some guidelines.) So give yourself some structure. Get out your weekly planner. If you don’t have one, make one. Look at your week and add in your work, school, family, and any other commitments you have to take care of. Then fill in the gaps. When do you want to see friends? When do you want to be alone and cry or journal? When do you want to watch TV or read that book you’ve been meaning to? When do you want to go for a walk or run? 

Scheduling yourself will create a structure that can help you move through emotions thoughtfully, kindly, and with built-in support. Of course, you can always move things around—nothing is ever set in stone. But knowing you have things to look forward to is so important. It’s part of being kind to yourself in a time of loss.

Going through a loss of any kind is a process. Emotions are important, and we need to create space to feel them so we can create space to heal. I hope you find these two methods of creating that space as helpful as I have.
 
Wishing you all good things.
 
Angela

Reframing “Should” and Combating Anxiety

On an average day, “should” statements can motivate us. “I should do my laundry tonight so I have underwear for tomorrow,” or “I should fill up my car with gas so I don’t run out on the drive home tonight.”

But when we are anxious, the word “should” becomes paralyzing.

Have you ever noticed your internal dialogue when you are feeling anxious? If not, next time you are feeling anxiety, see if you can observe your thoughts and catch a “should” statement. “I should be able to write this email perfectly,” or “I should be able to get started and I just can’t do it,” or “I should be able to balance everything on my schedule right now.”

When we ‘’should” ourselves, we judge ourselves based on false assumptions. We assume everyone else is having an easier time, that everyone else would be better or faster at whatever task we are doing in that moment, or that we have to do something in a certain way in order to get it done.

Perhaps you happen to be surrounded by people who enjoy writing and the process of struggling through it, or you’re often around friends who feel comfortable asking people out on dates, or you know people who are legitimately having an easier time doing the same work. But there are more people in your boat than you think.

For many people, “should” stops being helpful when it stops being motivational and is instead followed by some type of expectation. This shift is often triggered by anxiety.

When this happens, I always ask my clients, “Does this statement make you feel good?” I have to say, I can’t remember a time when someone told me that, in their state of anxiety, a “should” statement made them feel good and inspired or got them motivated. If anything, these statements make people feel conflicted or even paralyzed.

So how do we kick these unwanted “should” statements to the curb?

The first step is to catch the “should” statement when it goes through your mind. Notice how you are talking to yourself when you are in a negative emotional state. Then, if you catch a “should” statement, try to soften in with the word “prefer.”

What would you prefer to do? Would you prefer to study, or go on that date, or do something on your own? Would you prefer to get your paperwork done, or take a break and tackle it tomorrow?

Each choice has a consequence, and that’s OK. The choice depends on what feels best for you.

Asking ourselves what we “prefer” to do instead of what we “should” be doing gives us options to choose from and allows us to move away from assumed and sometimes unrealistic expectations. Preference can give you an opportunity to pause and think, “What do I want? What is the best decision for me right now?”

Using “prefer” vs. “should” softens the negative thought and can, therefore help shift your mood and get you moving again.

Next time you are feeling overwhelmed or anxious, see if you can stop for a minute and observe your thoughts. If you catch a “should” statement, see if you can change it into “prefer” instead.

Want more tips? Sign up for our here.

Politics, Family, and the Holiday Season

Politics and family. Oy! Talk about a challenging combination. Especially with this year’s election, families may be primed to talk about this hot-button topic. If you anticipate your family bringing up politics, here are some suggestions on how to dodge that bullet this holiday season.

1. If you feel comfortable approaching your family about this before the holidays, you can request to keep this topic off the table. Consider writing an email that says something like: “Hi, family! In celebration of Thanksgiving (or any holiday), let’s table talking politics for the day.” Get everyone to agree, and suggest that if anyone slips up, you will all give them a gentle reminder of the agreement.

2. Changing the conversation can also be a helpful strategy. Try to aim for topics that are fairly benign and relatively easy to engage in. Asking about vacations, fun plans coming up, plans for New Years, or any good books or shows they can recommend are all topics that might hold interest and give room to expand on with follow-up questions.

3. And when all else fails? Remember to take mini breaks. If you need ideas for what mini breaks might work for you, or if you want to develop other skills that could help you avoid stress this holiday season, check out our Progress Wellness newsletter. 

FIVE POWERFUL COPING SKILLS TO HELP YOU TO MANAGE ANXIETY, INSTEAD OF LETTING ANXIETY MANAGE YOU!

Note, it’s helpful to practice these skills even when you don’t need them, so when you actually start feeling anxious, you know exactly what to do.

1. Journaling can be a wonderful practice, so have a journal and a pen on hand for when you feel anxious or you can use a journal app on your phone as well. When we feel anxious, our thoughts can race or get stuck in our minds, making it difficult to let go of them. Other times, we may fall into thinking about events that made us feel bad or create events that we fear could happen in the future. Journaling is a way to let out those thoughts and put space between you and your anxiety. Writing things down can help you to look at your thoughts by actually seeing them on the page. This allows you to create a dialogue between you and whatever is causing your anxiety. Making these thoughts visible helps you to remember them so that you can analyze them and replace them with more helpful thoughts and action steps. Just like Dumbledore’s Pensieve from Harry Potter, where he would put his wand to his head and out would come a memory and then he would file it away to look at later, journaling can help you to do that too. This strategy to pull out thoughts and worries from your mind and put them in the visible form helps you to see your situation and your feelings more clearly. This frees up your mind to move into problem-solving mode.

2. Hold something cold in your hand for what I call a “brain break” coping skill. Go to the freezer and grab an ice cube. Hold the ice cube in one hand over the sink. See how long it takes you to notice that you are not able to have any thoughts other than “my hand feels so cold!” Flip the ice into the other hand and notice that experience. As one hand starts to thaw out, the other one gets cold. Maybe you notice where the water melts in your hand actually feels warmer than where the ice is sitting. Then, when you can’t take it anymore, toss the ice in the sink. Holding something cold forces us out of our head (stops ruminative, racing thoughts that are anxiety-driven) and into the moment (where your entire attention is on your hands), giving your brain a break from whatever stress you are swept up in. Sometimes, after tossing the ice into the sink, that “brain break” allows you to regroup, think more clearly, and ask yourself more positive questions, such as “Is what I am thinking helpful? Can I do anything about this now?”

3. Make a playlist of songs that you like that evoke calm, hopeful, happy, or peaceful feelings. Play it regularly such as on the way to work, school, or home, at lunchtime, at night before bed, or at the gym and connect with the music and its calming effects. Then, anytime that you feel anxious, or when you can predict/fear that you may feel anxious, you can press Play and know that you have this remedy set to go.

4. Get enough sleep to counteract your anxiety. Instead of counting sheep, which is difficult to do when your mind is racing at night, try thinking of your favorite recipe. Start by listing out all the ingredients in your mind. Where do you find the items in the market? Think about all the steps you take to make the dish. Anytime you find your mind wandering off to anxiety-land, bring it back to where you left off with your dish. If you do not enjoy cooking, another option similar to this is to imagine you are taking a trip around the world. Where would you start and what places would you see? Where would you stay? What kinds of venues would you like to eat at, shop at, or visit? What would you do in each country and city? Again, if your mind wanders off to anxiety-land, do your best to catch it and bring it back to where you left off. This can feel like a tennis match at times, where just as you bring your attention back, it’s off on the other side of the court. However, like with most things that we put time into, the more we practice, the better we become. Practice increases the chances of this coping skill being successful.

5. Shift your focus outward. When feeling anxious, you might feel your heart pound and your thoughts race. You may feel frozen in place while everything around you starts speeding up. The more we focus our attention on these symptoms, the more anxious we can become. This is when moving your attention from what’s happening inside your body and mind to what’s happening around you can be very helpful. So look up from where you are and name 5 things that you can see, 4 things that you can hear, 3 things that you can touch, 2 things that you can smell, and 1 thing that you enjoy. Doing this can force our mind into the present moment, allowing our brain to slow down, and our heart rate to calm down. This can give you the mental space to think more clearly, and separate from your anxiety messages.

I hope these suggestions are helpful to you. If anxiety is interfering with your well-being, please feel free to contact me to schedule a consultation at Angela@ProgressWellness.com.