Give Yourself the Gift of Self-Compassion

Here we are in the midst of holidays and nearing the end of 2021. I thought it would be helpful to talk about how to manage your stress during this time of year knowing that more families are getting together, more people are traveling, and well, the holidays can be stressful!

One strategy I have been talking most about in my practice over the past few months-gearing up for the holidays-has been self-compassion. When you practice self-compassion, you are being skillful and engaging in self-care.

Self-compassion is being warm and kind to yourself during a time of difficulty, failure, or feeling inadequate, rather than beating yourself up, listening to negative thoughts, or ignoring your feelings.

If you struggle with finding ways to manage your holiday stress and are quick to go down the negative thinking rabbit hole, try practicing self-compassion. It’s free, you can start today, and you only need to donate a few minutes each day (more of course if you can) to feel the results. 

Here are some ways you can practice self-compassion:
Be gentle with yourself and catch those negative thoughts before they take over.

Instead of saying “I am an idiot, why did I do that,” try instead “I learn by doing, and I made a mistake. What can I learn from this experience?”

Think about what you would tell your best friend if they were in the same situation and then say that to yourself on repeat. If you are feeling stressed out because you can’t afford the big gift your loved one (such as a partner, parent, child, or friend) has been asking for, and are beating yourself up for it, would you tell your best friend “Well, suck it up buttercup. You are just going to have to buy the gift because they want it and you don’t want to disappoint them,” or would you say something more realistic and kind?

For example, I might tell my best friend, “I know you’d love to get them the big gift but financially it sounds too difficult right now. You are such a wonderful (partner, daughter/son, or parent) to want to get them the gift. Perhaps have them choose between two other gifts they want that are within your price range. Holidays are more than just the gifts we get.”

Set personal limits with family and friends.

You can’t be all things to all people.

You can set limits by creating boundary statements that help you say what it is you need.

“I would love to host this year but there is too much going on and I can’t make it happen. Someone else needs to host this year.”

“I would love to get dinner with you, but this week is hectic. I have more free time (next week/after the holidays/on Fridays) so let’s pick a time around then.”

Do something kind for yourself each day.

Go for a short walk, eat your favorite breakfast, or wear an outfit that makes you feel good.

Being kind and self-compassionate does not cost money but it does require time. Small amounts of time each day to focus on being kind to yourself while you navigate hard emotional obstacles will help you get through challenges with more ease.

Building Resilience: How to Bounce Back After Failure

Moving through heartache, grieving a loss, or dealing with hard emotions such as stress, anger, and disappointment are all a part of life. When we go through and feel these emotions, it seems as if these feelings will last forever and that we will never recover. And then, over time these feelings are less intense and subside. We learn to adapt and we recover.

That is the meaning of resilience.

If you are going through or have recently been through a challenging time, here are three key strategies to help you move forward and build your resilience along the way.

An Opportunity for Growth

With every problem, there is an opportunity for growth. Seeing the challenge as an opportunity rather than an ending allows you to see the failure, mistakes, or loss as a time of personal growth. Moving through the heartache, pain, or difficulty can help you see it as a time for you to find out more about who you are and how capable you are will naturally build resilience.

A Change in Mindset

Reframe your outlook to help you adopt and maintain perspective. When faced with emotional pain or frustration, this can feel like you are going to be in it forever. That thought alone can increase the severity of emotions someone is feeling, and make it worse. Reframing that perspective by challenging the thought will help you feel better, think more realistically, and build resilience. An example of a reframe would be, "I know it feels like this will be forever, and I know logically it's not. I have been through hard things before and came out OK. I know I will get through this too."

If you don’t know how to reframe a thought, think about what you would tell your best friend if they were in the same situation. Would you tell them "I hate to tell you but now is forever" or would you say something more realistic and kind? I bet on the latter. Whatever you'd say to your best friend, now say the same to yourself-- even if you have to say it on repeat until it starts to stick!

A Self-Care Routine

Create and engage in self-care. Taking care of yourself is important for refueling your wellbeing tank, and when going through a difficult time, making time for you will help you tolerate all the emotions you are feeling--and be able to get through the experience with more ease. Examples of self-care are getting a manicure, going for a walk, saying “no” when needed and setting limits, carving out alone time, texting or calling a friend, having a snack, reading for fun, or taking or an extra 10 minutes in the shower. It can be anything that helps you feel better.
Remember, you are stronger than you think! You’ve got this!  As always, sending good energy your way

How to Set Boundaries and Improve Your Wellbeing

Whatever it is, the way you tell your story online can make all the difference.

Have you been feeling especially stressed or anxious lately? Do you find yourself struggling with mental and physical exhaustion and wish you could figure out a way to refuel your well-being tank? 

If so, you might want to consider looking at how you are doing when it comes to setting limits and enforcing your personal boundaries.

Having personal boundaries means that you are aware of the rules and limits you have set for yourself in relationships, and are therefore able to comfortably say “no” to others when those limits have been reached.

I know many of us struggle with burnout, and one reason why running on fumes happens so often—particularly for women—is because we feel a need to say “yes” to everyone and have a hard time setting limits and boundaries.

For example, Jane had noticed at work that her coworkers would come to her regularly to ask for help, and there was a part of her that very much enjoyed helping people so she was glad she could be there for her colleagues. 

She noticed that people at work were beginning to email her more, asking her to do more tasks, and she would do them because she was efficient and felt glad that people could rely on her. As time ticked on, she began to feel more stressed out and irritable at work, at times feeling anxious due to all the work she had to do, and could not understand why she was having such a difficult time.

It wasn’t until we started talking about her lack of personal boundaries that she realized saying “yes” to everyone was the main culprit.

Jane began to start delegating work back to her coworkers, scheduling in personal time (like taking a lunch break), and saying “no” to people. She realized that the company didn’t go bankrupt, her coworkers still liked her, and she felt happier at work—all because she developed her personal boundaries, knew her limits, and stuck to them.

Whatever it is, the way you tell your story online can make all the difference.

Saying yes to everyone might mean that in the short term, you are the hero; but long term, you are falling on your own sword. This is why protecting your time is so important and creating limits and personal boundaries is so necessary.

How do you know if you need help with your personal boundaries? Ask yourself these questions:

1. Do you have a hard time feeling like you are letting people down?

2. Do you struggle with making decisions?

3. Do you often feel taken advantage of by loved ones or colleagues?

4. Do you say “yes” when you would really prefer to say “no”?

5. Do you feel guilty when you take time for yourself?

6. Do you give away too much of your time?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, I encourage you to try the following.

Step one: Figure out where you need help creating boundaries. At work? In your personal life? Both?

Once you are aware of the problem area, you can begin to take action.

Step two: Create boundary statements. Having these on hand will help you feel more comfortable saying “no.” When you know what you are going to say and can hear yourself saying it, these statements become much easier to remember and use at the moment.

Some examples of boundary statements are:

1. “I am going to think about it before giving you an answer”

2. “No, but thank you”

3. “I can’t talk right now”

4. “I am not ready yet”

5. “I hear your point, and my answer remains the same”

6. “I am not able to do that”

7. “I am not able to do that right now, but I can ___”

Step three: Schedule in breaks or personal time. Taking a lunch break, shutting off notifications after 5 pm, or going for a walk in the middle of the day are all great ways of remembering to pay attention to yourself and setting personal boundaries.

Work isn’t going anywhere, and the more you take care of yourself, set limits, and say “no” when you need to, the more your stress levels will naturally decrease.

Take care of yourselves, and remember that, as always, I am sending good energy your way.